Just a Minute
It was dusk in Southern Germany on a Friday night, and I was hitchiking. A couple of awol American soldiers picked me up in their army van. I told them that I was going to Zurich to party with some friends there and they offered to drive me all the way there. I thought "Great!"
Just as we were getting to the border, they stopped off to change a few details on their papers. Hmmm, a little fishy but what the hell, no skin off my nose.
When we hit the Swiss border, the bastard at customs refused to let them in. I said "Well, thanks for the ride, boys" and planted my duffel bag on the Swiss side of the borderline.
The customs man didn't like that at all, and promptly called me inside. "Shit, what's he gonna do with me now?"
He ran a full computer check on me, left me waiting for an hour, and then because he was bored, he decided to strip search me. Now, I've been strip searched loads of times in my life, but 95% of the time it was by the Swiss. The Swiss cops have a real fascination for strip searches.
It was getting later and later, but since I was completely clean and had enough money on me, he couldn't refuse me entry.
I was afraid that I'd have to camp out somewhere in the bushes until morning, because border posts are the worst places in the world to hitch a ride. But somebody picked me up about a half an hour later and took me straight into the heart of Zurich.
There I found Jerrykins doing a street pitch with Delicious Dave. They let me sit in on the flute, and I went around and bottled the crowd a couple of times.
They'd just finished playing "Friend of the Devil" (a song which I refused to play with them), when all of a sudden a squad of rookie cops rounds us up like gangbusters, along with a guy who just happened to be talking to us at the time.
They took us down to the station, and start rousting us. What a load of jerks! One guy tells us to sit down, then another guy tells us to stand up, then the first guy comes in and asks us why we're sitting down, and starts screaming at us. So we stand up, then the second guy walks back in and starts yelling at us to sit back down. Talk about unprofessional!
The rookies were all nervous as hell, and one asshole cop started pulling on my money bag trying to rip it off my jeans, it was a really insane vibe. Nothing makes me more nervous than nervous pigs, they're totally unpredictable. Finally, the chief walks in (I recognize him as one of the people I'd bottled earlier), and tells them to cool the theatrics.
Then the chief asks which one of us was the leader of the group, Jer and Dave point at me and say "He's the one!" Thanks a lot guys!
So, I'm the one who has to pay the fine.I'm not even back in Switzerland for 2 hours and I've been strip searched twice, arrested and fined. Nothing like a warm welcome, eh?
A couple of hours later when we finally get out of the cop shop, we go to this bar where a girl named Daphne has been waiting for Dave. We're sitting together at this table and Dave says "Hey, Jeff! Ya wanna fuck Daphne?" She's sitting right there at the table with us when he says this. And he says it in such a way that's pretty degrading for her. I sort of look at her to see what's going on and she has a blank look on her face.
Now, Daphne is from New York and she's a really good singer and guitar player. She'd been doing street sets with Dave for as long as I'd known the two of them. I just couldn't figure out why Dave was being so mean to her, also I couldn't figure out if she really wanted me or not. So I said "Look, man. If she wants me she can say so for herself". I go up to the bar to get another drink, and start talking to somebody else. When I turn around, they're gone.
Neither Jer or Dave ever helped to reimburse me for their part of the fine I had to pay, telling me that they wouldn't have gotten busted if it hadn't been for me. So in the morning, I was back out on the Bahnhofstrasse trying to recoup my losses.
It's definitely illegal to play music on that particular street, so whenever I'd play flute there, I would scan from side to side on the lookout for cops, and if one came I'd grab my flute case and run for it (Swiss cops won't shoot you if you run, or they didn't back then anyway). At about the end of my first set, I spot a pig coming right towards me. I grab my case and hightail it down the street, and he starts running after me.
Well, I'm far enough in front of him that I round the corner and dive into an alley. Well, not actually an alley but the back entrance to what I later found out was a music store. And in this little dead end, there was an open door!
I run in the door and find that it's a toilet, I lock the door, trying not to breathe hard. My heart was beating like crazy, but nobody came and after about 20 minutes I opened the door and walked out a free man.
I was definitely not in the mood to get rousted and fined again, especially after all the bullshit I'd been through in the last 24 hours.
Still, I had to do another pitch. I pulled out the flute again, praying that I wouldn't run into the same copper. About two or three songs into the set, this guy and a girl walk up and the girl says to me something like "Oh, you poor thing! You have to play music in the street to survive. Come with me, I'll take care of you". I figure "OK", but I can't seem to make out this guy's relationship to this chick.
They tell me to come along, and she says they've got to go to the store to buy some groceries for the weekend and to wait "Just a minute".
I hang around outside for about half an hour thinking "Jeez 'just a minute' she said!" I take a peek in the store and see this girl arguing with the woman at the counter. There's a pile of food there, and finally she just pays for a bottle of wine and walks out. All that time waiting for just one lousy bottle of wine!
Then we go to a bar and while the girl's in the loo, I ask him if he's her boyfriend. He looks at me like that's the last thing in the world he would ever be.
The three of us go back to her place, and after the wine gets drunk, the guy leaves us alone. I figure now's the time to make a move, and just as I'm about to get smoochy, the door bell rings. She tells me "Just a minute", looks through the little peephole and screams at whoever is on the other side to fuck off.
My sentiments exactly. But the guy on the other side of the door won't leave. He keeps ringing the doorbell, and eventually starts banging on it with his fists, then kicking it and they both start yelling things which I don't understand at each other and this goes on for twenty minutes or so.
By the time the guy finally gives up, she's on her knees in the fetal position hands across her stomach rocking back and forth with a hell of a crazy look in her eyes. What a vibe!
I figured it was some old boyfriend of hers, and if he was in such a state, I sure didn't want him to find me in her apartment. So, I was happy that she never opened the door, and I felt sorry for her, seeing the emotional state this scene had put her in.
After the noise finally stomped down the stairs, she got up, went into the bathroom telling me "Just a minute".
She was in there for a good 45 minutes to an hour, and there was no TV or anything to read except a newspaper in Hebrew. I just sat there twiddling my fingers waiting for her to come out of the bog.
I got bored so I went and knocked on the bathroom door to see if she was alright, to which she replied "Just a minute".
When she finally did come out, I could see that she was still in no state to put the moves on, and she said she had to go into town to get some medicine.
Then the doorbell rang again. I thought "Oh, christ. Here's her boyfriend back again". The look on her face said the same.
She went to the door, looked through the peephole, and then opened up the door. A couple of freaky looking dudes walked in and she explained to them that she had seen this poor unfortunate soul (me) playing music in the street and had decided to take me in.
We sat around and talked for a while, and I asked the guys if they had any smoke. They didn't but said that they were going to get some tomorrow. Shortly after that we all left together.
They lived in the same building, and me and this girl took the tram into town to find a pharmacy that was open at midnight.
When we got to the pharmacy, she asked me if I could pay for her medicine and promised to pay me back on Monday when the banks opened up. She told me that in reality she was a millionaire, and that her aunt had left her a fortune.
Since the pharmacy was really close to the Niederdorf. I suggested looking for some of my street musician friends to have a party with. But by this time it was one o'clock in the morning and there was nobody to be found. Beside the pigs were in purge mode, so of course none of the buskers were around.
As we were walking to catch the last tram, we ran into three young Italian guys. For some reason she started talking to them, and they told her that they didn't have anywhere to stay the night. It seems she had a penchant for picking up strays, and so she invited them all back to her place. Just what I wanted, to try to get it on with this chick with three macho Italian dudes as spectators.
While we were talking to these guys we ended up being too late to catch the last tram, so guess who ended up paying for the taxi?
When we got back to her place, I got to sleep in bed with her while the other three guys were designated to the floor. They made this big scene about how they didn't want the two of us to fuck, while one of the guys demonstrated how big his muscles were and implied that there would be dire consequences if we did.
I just told them that I'll do whatever I damn well please. And once they were all snoring soundly, she grabbed my dick and pulled me off. Silently, of course, so as not to antagonize the Italians.
I didn't want her to invite those assholes over in the first place, and said so. But anyway my stuff was still in a locker at the train station, so they couldn't have stolen anything from me.
I could see it was pointless trying to get a bit of pussy by the condition that this latest development had put her in. So I told her that I was going to take a bath. But she said that she had to go back into town to get more medicine, and that I could take a bath when we got back.
As always, I had my flute with me, and so when I saw some terraces that were jam packed full, I just had to do a set or two. We went around playing all the Sunday morning terraces that would let me, with her bottling for me.
After partially recouping my expenses, I decide that it was time to get back to her apartment and take a long overdue bath - with her.
She said that would be OK. And I couldn't wait. But as we were walking to the tram stop, we found some guy dressed in a nice suit, covered in blood in the middle of a bunch of knocked down bicycles in the little moped/bike parking behind the Neiderdorf.
The guy looked pretty bad (my first thought was that he had been mugged), and she immediately took pity on him. There was a crowd of gawkers standing around doing nothing (typical Swiss) and she tried to help him up. Well, if he was really hurt there was only on thing to do - and that was call a taxi to take him to the hospital.
So one of the bystanders did just that by my suggestion, and when the taxi showed up we told him to take the guy off to the hospital.
Then the guy refused to get in the taxi, and at that point it became quite obvious that the only reason he'd fallen down was because he was piss drunk.
But the girl kept saying "We want to help you, why won't you let us help you" and this little frail wisp of a thing grabbed him and tried to push him into the taxi again!
By this time the crowd was getting bigger and bigger. And the two of them were really making a scene screaming and yelling how she wanted to help him and him trying to get away from her and then falling down and her picking him up and then him falling down again. I tried to tell her that if the guy didn't want to go to the hospital to leave him alone, but she wasn't listening to me at all. She was so hell bent on "helping" this guy that she was oblivious to everything and everyone around her.
They managed to knock down most of the bikes in the bike parking lot, and then as he was trying to get away from her, she chased him into the middle of the busiest intersection in Zurich. He fell down again right in the middle of the street. And she fell down right on top of him.
Then the two of them were rolling around on the ground, blocking traffic in all directions. And finally he was laying right on top of her. This drunk had no idea what was happening. Suddenly he finds himself in the middle of the busiest intersection in town in a very compromising position looking like he's dry humping a young girl on the asphalt with her screaming "I want to help you!" What a scene!
I couldn't do anything but just watch it happen. I just thought we'd go into town and get her medicine, and be back in the afternoon for a nice bubble bath. Besides, I'd left a couple of things at her place so I had to wait "Just a minute" again.
About this time a cop showed up, I just pointed to them and shook my head. Cars were honking their horns, but she didn't care. The cop told her to get lost, and took the stumble bum off to who knows where.
So we'd wasted the whole day, and I really wanted to get back and get cleaned up. On the tram she kept saying "But I just wanted to help him". I said "Don't worry, we'll have a nice bath together and forget about the whole trip".
When we finally got back, I started drawing the bath. The bath was almost full and she had just taken off her top, when the doorbell rang.
She answered the door wearing only her bra and trousers. She came back into the bathroom and said to me "Just a minute".
"Just a minute" later she came in and took off her trousers. Then went back out into the living room in nothing more than her panties and bra. After "Just a minute" she came back in and took off her bra, then went back out into the living room wearing only her panties.
She came back into the bathroom and took off her panties, and (as always) saying "Just a minute", walked back into the living room stark raving naked. (This is a true story).
Finally she comes in and I'm in the process of draining the bathtub, and putting in fresh hot water. She looks at me as if I'm nuts and says "What are you doing?"
I said that the water went cold and what the hell is she doing out there stark raving naked when she's supposed to be here in the bathtub with me! At this point she actually does get into the bath with me, and when I try to get romantic, she tells me that she couldn't possibily make love with those guys sitting out there in the living room. I say "What the hell you can't if you've just been sitting out there with no clothes on at all for the last half-hour chatting away." It must have been driving them crazy too.
But it's no go. She washes up (I'd already been squeaky clean for the last hour), we get dressed and go out into the living room.
It's the two freaky guys from the night before. And they ask me "What took you so long, man? We've been waiting hours for you to get out of the bathroom so that we could smoke a joint with you!"
I think to myself "Well, if I can't get laid, at least I can get stoned!" By this time I'm well pissed off, and a nice reefer would be just the thing to take the edge off.
Then she throws a fit "Oh no! You're not going to smoke that shit in my house!" My god! First she plays this "Just a minute" strip tease that drive everyone insane, and then we can't smoke a lousy little j! I'm just beginning to realize that she's totally nuts.
Finally, we make a compromise and she lets us smoke it out on her balcony, while she paces the floor inside.
Just as soon as the joint's finished, the two guys leave. All that for what?
I make a grab for her thinking that it's high time we took care of business. But she tells me "Just a minute". Well, by this time I'm getting pretty tired of hearing that phrase "Just a minute" and tell her to hell with "Just a minute", I want you NOW!
But But she's got other plans. She brings out a big white fluffy bear rug, lights a candle and slowly (very slowly) takes off her clothes. I'm so pissed off at this point I could chew nails, and go into the bathroom to take a leak.
When I come out, she's laying naked on the bear rug, in some kind of spread leg princess pose that she'd seen in a magazine somewhere. I blow out the fucking candle, pull off my trousers and stuff my hard-on up her like a rat up a sewer. She gets the obligatory number of thrusts, I shoot my wad and roll off.
She says "You didn't feel anything! I said "Sure I did, I came didn't I?". I'd had enough of her bullshit and got into bed.
She went into the bathroom for "Just a minute", and I don't even know if she slept in the bed or not.
But first, I thought I'd try to give her a real romantic screw to make up for how crassly I'd porked her the night before. But it was no go. Nonetheless, my dick was throbbing hard, so I pulled it out and stuck it right in her face as she was sitting there at the table.
To my surprise, she took it between her lips and sucked me all the way off. Mmmm, felt good. After I came in her mouth, she spit my jism on my bare foot! I thought she could have at least walked over to the sink and spit it out there. The bitch was totally bonkers, no doubt about it.
After I wiped off my foot and got dressed, I said "OK, let's go to the bank", as always she told me "just a minute". She started searching through her house, calmly at first, then more and more frantically, and finally she started going absolutely nuts tearing the place to pieces!
I got tired of watching this spectacle, and said "C'mon, let's go! I've got other things to do besides hang around your apartment all day. Let's go to the bank and get that money!"
Then she explained that she had been looking for her passport, and that she couldn't find it, and without her passport she couldn't get any money out of the bank.
Oh, great! I figured I'd been set up like a patsy: Here I buy two lots of expensive medicine, pay for five or six meals and drinks, expensive taxis from the center of town to the suburbs, fines, and all the rest of it. Two days before when I crossed the border, I'd had what I thought was enough money to keep me for a good two or three weeks, now I was almost stone broke. And this nutcase couldn't find her passport so we could go to the bank!
I said "Fuck this noise", I was sure she was lying. I grabbed my gear and slammed the door on my way out.
She was inside having another one of her nervous breakdowns, and I remembered that she had given me a gold necklace with a Star of David on it.
I suddenly felt guilty, I thought "This is no way to say goodbye". and besides I wanted to give her back the Star. I had no use for it, and I never wear jewelry anyway. The idea of having a chain around my neck, any kind of a chain, just gives me the creeps.
So I knocked on the door. She wouldn't open it. I rang the buzzer, she still wouldn't open up. I knocked harder, she still wasn't going to open up. I could hear her inside going nuts and crying and moaning, she sounded like she was dying. I was just about to lose control and start banging on the door when I flashed back on the idiot banging on the door on the first night I stayed there. Have a heart, Jeff.
Nonetheless, I wanted to give her back her necklace. Whether it was pure gold or not didn't matter. I looked in the little peephole in the door, and I could see in a moon's eye view that she was down on her knees rocking back and forth. No point in pushing her over the edge, eh?
I got an idea. I unscrewed the peephole (I didn't know if it would work or not), and then pushed the Star of David necklace back through the hole with a pen. I figured it was the least I could do.
As I went downstairs, I was cursing having spent so much money on this lunatic, believing her "Monday at the bank" promisies, and getting ripped off in the end. But I shouldn't have gotten involved with her in the first place, so I guess it served me right.
Since there was a purge on buskers in Zurich at the moment it was time to get the hell out of Dodge. I went down to the train station, bought a ticket and since the train wasn't leaving for another half an hour or so, I went for a little snack in one of the cafeterias there.
And who should I run into but the guy who'd been with that chick on the very first day I'd met her!
I told him the whole "Just a minute" story, ending up with how she couldn't find her goddam passport, and how I was sure she was lying about it so that she wouldn't have to pay me back the money she owed me.
He said "No, it's true. She doesn't have her passport". I said "Well, where the hell is it then?" And then he says "I've got it, she's so fucking looney that she'd lose it if she kept it herself!" and promptly pulled her passport out of his jacket pocket to show me.
Yup, it was her Israeli passport alright. That was her picture. I felt like strangling the son of a bitch. Or at least taking him and the passport back to her place to get my money. But I'd already burned my bridges behind me, and the last thing I needed was another psycho "just a minute" scene.
Earlier, on my way down to the station I'd managed to calm down, and get myself under control. But running into this guy, and actually seeing her passport made me so angry once again that I was shaking. That motherfucker! Here she is tearing her apartment apart trying to find her passport, and it's sitting in his pocket the whole time.
When he saw how pissed off I was, he said to me "Look, I tried to warn you about her, but you didn't take the hint". I couldn't say anything but "Yeah, well when you see her, tell her that I'm sorry about calling her a liar, OK?"
The train whistle blew and the rhythm of the rails put me back on the track.