MySpace Bulletins
Whenever I'm in the mood I post some of my comedy material to all my myspace friends. This is stuff that is not in the profile page. Just so it doesn't get lost, here they are:

Jul 22, 2006 10:00 AM

pole dancing

I needed a soft cloth to shine up my flute, so they sold me one that came all the way from Poland. Is a Polish cloth better than an American one?

Is Poland where they invented Pole dancing? What about Polenta and Polo?

I bought a Polish dog from a street vendor and have been trying to teach him tricks. So far he's mastered "stay" and "play dead", but I'm getting nowhere with simple commands like "sit", "fetch" or "rollover". Should I use more sauerkraut?

Do they have Pole cats in Poland?

Is Santa Claus' nationality North Polish?

If my maternal grandmother were French and my maternal grandfather Irish, and my paternal grandmother was Italian and my paternal grandfather Polish, would that mean that I'm part French, a bit Italian, a smidgin Irish and a tadpole?

7(c)05

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Jul 28, 2006 10:16 AM

Auntie's Advice - ''Sax and Violins''

Dear Auntie,

I met Viola at a barre called the "Transversal Flute". She gave me the Vibes immediately. I decided to Piccolo priced hotel nearby for us.

Even before the door shut, she whispered, "I want Sax". Then she began to Fiddle with my Tubaaah..

But when I reached for her, I felt a Trombone!

I went Bongos and screamed "Euphonium!"

I'm not prone to Violins, and I don't want to Harp on the subject either. But I Bass my reaction on misrepresentation. Should I have allowed Viola to play the Mouth Organ?

Tom-Tom

~

Dearest TT,

Of course not! How could you ever trust a Lyre?

Auntie

7(c)04

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Jul 29, 2006 7:03 PM

I went shopping

I dropped into the Stationary Store to see what's new. But everything was just the same as last time, nothing had moved.

Then I went in the Gift Shop, and picked what I liked. On my way out they stopped me at the door and told me I had to PAY FOR IT!

I even tried to go to a Moving Sale, but it kept getting away from me

Man, what a day! After all that running around I wanted to treat myself. After all, I thought, women get their nails done, so I decided to try out the new paintball store.

Jul 30, 2006 10:43 AM

The Paintball Store

So I walk into the paintball store and the guy behind the counter says "Can I help you?"

I say: "Well, like there's this party tonight and I want to give my grilfriend something really special" (I start unbuckling my belt)

''She really likes the color mauve, kinda purplish you know.'' (I'm dropping my drawers down to my ankles) ''Whats it cost to paint the pair?'' (point to naked goolies)

The clerk says: ''Listen, buddy theyre REALLY gonna be kinda purplish right after I kick em in, if you dont get outta here before I call the cops.''

Then the girl behind the counter grabs what looks like an AK-47 and starts shooting at me!

I'm like serpentine ducking trying to dodge the balls splattering all over the windows, walls and merchandise and get out the door while running as fast as Im able to with my pants still clear down around my ankles. (while I'm hobbling so quickly, junk like coins, table knives, superballs and yoyos are exiting my pockets and leaving a noisy clangy trail behind me as I attempt to exit)

I get out to the sidewalk and little old ladies are gasping to see my wing wang waving in the wind.

I'm trying to pull up my trousers and run down the street as fast as I can to get the hell away from the store.

Just when I think I'm safe, the crazed bitch with the machine gun comes roaring out the door blazing away!

Then I run around the corner and duck in the alley behind the garbage bin. I hear her run by, just when I realize that I'm sitting on top of this (until then) sleeping bum.

I tell him: "Sorry man, this maniac was trying to shoot my balls off." (standing up) "I think she's gone now. So goodbye."

Then the bum says: "Hey man, wait a minute. You got some change? Why was she trying to kill you?"

I begin more and more frantically searching through my pockets for change, only to realize that ALL my coins and my fucking car keys (slap forehead) are laying back there on the floor of the paintball store. At least I didn't lose my wallet!

So while I'm giving the guy a buck I'm telling him that I just want to colorfully decorate my scrotum to impress my girlfriend tonight, and I guess for hygienic reasons they choose to paint the target ballistically from several feet away.

The hobo says: "Hell, pop 'em out and I'll paint 'em for ya! I got a couple of color magic markers right here." (reaches under cardoard sign) Five bucks, buddy."

7(c)06

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Jul 31, 2006 8:50 AM

The etymological origins of the word "Lady"

When getting laid, typically the male is the active member while the female is the passive receptor. As such, the man is known as the "Laid-or" and the woman as the "Laid-ee".

7(c)06

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Aug 1, 2006 10:08 PM

A Little Behind

Did you hear the one about the procrastinating gay hooker that was always getting a little behind in his work?

7(c)92

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Aug 2, 2006 9:46 AM

My mommy told me so

Always look both ways before taking candy from strangers!

7(c)93

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Aug 3, 2006 9:42 AM

you're in denial

What you get when an Egyptian takes a pee in the river.

7(c)06

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Aug 4, 2006 8:58 AM

Rogaine

Rogaine
(parody of J.J. Cales "Cocaine")

If your mane is gone and you wanna ride on ...Rogaine

Dont accept the fact that it wont grow back ...Rogaine

If you're really galled that you're going bald ...Rogaine

If you're thin on top but you still wanna a mop ...Rogaine

If you wear a toupee and it makes you look gay ...Rogaine

You can chuck that rug if you take this drug ...Rogaine

If you look like a square cause youre losing your hair ...Rogaine

If your DOME shines like CHROME and you dont need a COMB ...

All your life, all your life all your life

...Rogaine

7(c)01

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Aug 6, 2006 10:50 AM

uncircumsized

Two's company, three's a crowd and four's kin.

7(c)85

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Feb 2, 2007 5:33 PM

rights

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights do make a left.

7(c)82

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Aug 9, 2006 10:58 PM

Sir Vedic

Survey: ''Dick''

What would you say is you dick's best quality?
It's ability to give unconditional love to girls of every race and creed.

What would you say is your dick's most salient feature?
MOST SALIENT FEATURE??? What is this? A Joke? And you wonder why I hate these stupid fucking myspace surveys! NEXT Question.

OK, OK. Simmer down. If your dick was a tool, what kind would it be?
Obviously, a swiss army knife. Not only does it perform many useful functions, it also fits comfortably in the palm of the hand.

If your dick was a mechanic, what would his slogan be?
Friendly Reliable Service Since 1969!

What if your dick were a butcher?
The slogan would be: "You can't Beat my Meat!"

A bank robber?
This is a stick-up!

A cop?
Hold it right THERE!

A doctor?
Say Aaaah...

A dentist?
Open WIDE, this won't hurt a bit.

Do you ever talk to your dick? If so, what do you tell it?
Stay, sit, fetch, rollover, sic 'em, come

If your dick could talk, what would it say?
''Fuck You''

7(c)06

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Aug 11, 2006 12:53 PM

Auntie's Advice: ''pianissimo''

My accompanist Peter Paul is a giant in the biz. He's my all man joy and I get mounds of pleasure when I duet with him. We've been playing with each other ever since our college days at Folk U.

Recently a very famous pianist has been hanging out and nosing around our private parties. He likes to be referred to as Richard, but I call him "Little Dicky".

Peter Paul has been on me to fit him in, he says he'd love to play with another member. A threesome might be nice, but I get the feeling that Dicky wants to come between us.

Should we go ahead as a trio, or just duet?

Mary

~

Dearest Mary,

As a Virgo you have a certain innocence that prevents you from seeing the darker side of people.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Auntie has heard of this Richard Little and by all accounts he is "tutti frutti".

I became so concerned with your welfare that I hired a private dick to tail them from behind. This candid photograph taken by my privates investigator shows what "Little Dicky" has been up to. Here you see him hard at work.

He has obviously already entered into a standing engagement with Peter Paul and you have been left out of the picture completely.

Auntie

7(c)04

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Aug 12, 2006 3:19 PM

faux pas

OK, be honest girls. With an former lover, how many of you have ever faked an orgasm? (95 percent of the hands go up)

And guys, how many of you have ever faked it? (One hand goes up, everybody's staring at him astounded) ''Like WHY would a guy ever fake an orgasm???'' they're asking each other.

Good question. Women fake orgasms for different reasons. One is to bolster their man's ego.

So, these guys are hanging out at the bar drinking and the first guy says ''Man, I gave my wife two fake orgasms last night'' pumping up his chest.

The second guy goes, ''Hell, that's nothing. MY GAL had multiple fake orgasms last night until 3 o'clock in the morning." (mimic female orgasm LOUDLY) "Kept the neighbors up half the night. I guess I still got that old magic touch, eh'' (as he hitches up his trousers and struts away)

And ladies, WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THAT NOISE? (orgasm groans ''Oh Seven!'' ''Oh Seven!'') Does every single person in a fifty mile radius really HAVE TO KNOW I'M HUMPING HER LIKE HELL?

And if you're just faking it, couldn't you do it a little quieter?

AND WITHOUT repeatedly screaming my fucking name? (hold forehead and shake head)

I've always been jealous women's ability to have multiple orgasms, (infomercial salesman voice) but now folks, I have discovered how men can have mutliple orgasms too: EXACTLY THE SAME WAY WOMEN DO! (pause)

YOU FAKE IT!

(fake multiple orgasms) Oh, oh oh oh I'm going, oh oh oh oh here I go again! OMG! ANOTHER ONE IS CUMMING. (afterglow panting) ''Easy, huh?''

Another reason that women fake orgasms, is to prove their love to their man. It's like it's my birthday right? And I get this beautifully packaged box with ribbons all over it and then I unwrap it and guess what's inside? A FAKE ORGASM!

(sarcastically) ''Thanks for the wonderful gift, darling! It's just what I needed! How could you have known that was exactly what I wanted?''

Wouldn't it to better to just be honest about it? Just let your partner know that you're faking the orgasm out of pure unconditional love?

(mimic female orgasm) Oh, I'm just about to fake itI Ohhh, I'm gonna fake it. Oh, oh oh''

And just then the guy chimes in (low manly voice), ''Oh baby, I'm faking too. C'mon, let's fake together, girl!''

And the woman is screaming ''Oh, fake me, fake me hard, fake me harder HARDER!!!!!!!

7(c)06

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Aug 13, 2006 5:37 PM

Positive News

Oh man, this guy's having a streak of really bad luck. He's lost his job, his car got reposessed, the dog died, and then his house got burnt down.

He calls his doctor and tells him about how his world is crashing down around him. How things couldn't possibly get any worse. The guy says: Listen, Doc, I just can't handle all this negativity all around me anymore. I hope you've got some positive news for me.

The doctor says: "Why, yes I do. (pause) The results are back for your aids test."

7(c)84

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Aug 17, 2006 12:39 PM

A Poet's Lament

They say there's no rhyme for that pesky word "orange"

But I've decided to take up the challenge

If I find a rhyme for that pesky word ''orange''

I'll go blow my dough on a week-long whore binge.


7(c)06

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Aug 18, 2006 9:55 PM

nectar of the bees

So like Elmer Fudd is a robber holding a gun to Bugs Bunny's head. He says "Awight, you wascawwy wabbit. Yo money o you wife!"

Bugs does Elmer Fudd doing Henny Youngman:

''Take my wife, pwease..."

(Noo Yawk accent) Lemme tell ya bout my wife!

When I wuz courtin er, I'd bring er bunches o' flowez.

I called er ''Honeybunch''

Denn after a while, she starts givin me a little sugar, what a tight ass! Mmm, mm, mm

I called er ''Honeybun''

Soon after, we got married and the first few months were sweeeet.

I called er ''Honey''

Ever since then though she's been on the warpath and now I just call er ''Hun''

as in ''Attila the...''


7(c)84

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Aug 20, 2006 12:58 PM

Auntie's Advice: "Wanda B."

Dear Auntie,

I'm an intermediate level keyboard player. For several months I've been playing with my boyfriend's organ. But it's pitifully small and I wasn't really feeling satisfied with it.

I talked to my pastor about this and he suggested that I drop by the church after school.

When I arrived, the first thing he asked was if I wanted to see his pianist. The next thing you know he was right there in front of my face and I was so excited I gave him a kiss on the head and a big squeeze.

I couldn't believe the size of his organ, and when I sat on it I could feel the power of the massive instrument pulsating inside me. But it got harder, so hard in fact that I faltered.

To help me out, he began fingering my passage for me, delicately yet deliberately. The lick slowly at first, then just a little faster for the right feel. I felt overwhelmed with joy.

For weeks now he's made me come again and again.

Here's my question:
Even with all that, I still seem to get stuck in the same places all the time, do you think I should I keep coming?

Wanda B.

~

Dearest Wanda,

As far as getting stuck in the same places is concerned, remember that you can go as far as you want to in the end.

Regarding continuing: You know what the pianist is there for and you obviously enjoy playing with his organ, so why stop?

Now Auntie has a request for YOU. Lately, she has been feeling the need for a large organ as well. Perhaps you could send me a photo.

Auntie

~

Dear Auntie,

Thank you so much for your wise counsel! Here's a photo of the pastor's large organ.

Wanda B.

~

Dearest Wanda,

You're right, that IS a big one! I'd love to have an organ that size to put in my back room.

And honey child, next time you go to church, you give that pastor's pianist a big smooch from your dear old Auntie.

Auntie

7(c)04

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Aug 22, 2006 11:58 PM

True Story (really!)

At sixteen years old, I finally had gotten a real girlfriend that had agreed to make love with me.

Back in those days you couldn't buy prophylactics off the shelf. You had to ask the pharmacist.

This was the first time in my whole life that I had ever gone to buy condoms and I was praying that I wouldn't meet anybody I knew while I was in the pharmacy.

I was scared shitless.

I went in, my knees shaking, and when I saw that the pharmacist was a man I was extremely relieved (if it had been a woman I would've walked straight out).

I stuttered to the pharmacist ''I'd like to buy some c-c-condoms, please''

He asked me in a serious and professional voice ''Large or small?''

I didn't know what to say! I didn't even know that they came in different sizes!

I reckoned that my penis was about average, and I was afraid that if I got the large size it might be waaaay too big. On the other hand, if I got the small ones, they might not even fit on!

After a long awkward silence, I finally asked him (I was surely blushing) ''Don't you have anything in between?''

He said ''Nope, sorry, son''

Then I asked ''What's the difference?'' (fully expecting him to say that the big ones were for guys with nine inches or more and that the little ones were for the four inch crowd)

He replied ''Either a gross in a box or a packet of three''


7(c)71

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Aug 26, 2006 1:16 AM

Dog number 2

So this dog walks into the officer's lounge on the military base, and says to the bartender ''I'd like a beer please''.

The bartender tells the dog ''I'm sorry sir, it's against the rules to serve animals in here.''

The dog goes ''C'mon, just gimme a beer. I'll lap it up it quickly over in the corner. I won't make any trouble, I promise.''

The bartender says ''Sorry, sir. I really can't serve you. You have to understand that (salute) I'm just doing my duty, sir.''

The dog says ''Look, I'll be finished with the beer in thirty seconds flat and then I'll be outta here. Nobody'll ever know the difference.''

The bartender replies ''Honestly, I can't serve you. It says in section 346A paragraph 7 that 'Animals cannot be served in the officer's lounge'. (salute) I'm just doing my duty, sir!''

Well, that totally pisses the dog off. So he starts snarling and growling, and then goes over into the middle of the dance floor and takes a big fucking shit right then and there.

The bartender runs over screaming ''What the hell is going on???''

The dog replies (salute) ''Just doing my doody, SIR!''


7(c)03

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Aug 26, 2006 10:52 AM

exotic birds

You'll never find a parrot in a sauna, but if you go down to the bathhouse you're sure to see a cockertoo.

7(c)02

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August 27, 2006 12:53 PM

PR Institute now accepting members

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Aug 29, 2006 1:06 PM

For Nick, Kate, Connie, Lynn, Gus:

My plans for this evening.

7(c)06

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Aug 31, 2006 2:33 PM

The worst part of ...

... being unemployed is that you never get a vacation.

7(c)93

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Sep 1, 2006 12:31 AM

Auntie's Column: ''M&M''

Greetings,

I am the widow Nomobuti Mofoku, last surviving wife of the late public servant Dr Kismas Mofoku.

You do not know me personally but because of your impeccable references and the high recommendations from a mutual friend (for discretion's sake I cannot mention any names - but you know who I mean) I have been directed to contact you regarding a matter of great importance that will surely benefit us both.

I trust that you will hold the following matter in strictest confidence, as you are a respectable and honourable person like myself.

My husband, Dr Kismas Eubitsh Mofoku, was a very intelligent and gentle man. During his tenure as Minister of the Interior of our country (for discretion's sake I cannot mention which country - but you know the one I mean), he was able to embezzle thirty-five million dollars from the poverty stricken populace and spirit it into a secret Swiss bank account.

Due to the recent turmoil here, I have been unable to secure these funds. Bureaucratic red tape obliges me to engage an outside coordinator in order to conduct a smooth and legal transfer of these monies which are rightfully mine and my children's.

I will transfer these thirty-five million dollars to your bank account without contract, if that is agreeable to you. Take only what you need.

Benevolent and caring person that you certainly are, I know you will make sure that my humble family is taken care of.

Please help us now. I beg of you. Do not wait!

Minutes after you supply me with the following information, I will effect the deposit of thirty-five million dollars into your account. All I need is your name, address, mother's maiden name and bank account with your personal identification number.

Do it now! Generosity without hesitation is the mark of a truly noble soul.

Sincerely,


Mrs Nomobuti Mofoku

PS: This is a chain letter. In order to keep the chain intact, you must send this email to three of your richest friends. But Be Warned: If you break the chain, something bad might maybe happen to you some day.

~

Dearest MNM,

Auntie is always helpful to those in need. Here is the information you requested:

Name: Lalie Hecaud

Address: 2220 Washington, LA 70112

Mother's maiden name: Hsimnoh

Bank account number: X!P 90P xns W3N!W3

PIN: 773H209

In order to keep the chain intact, I sent this email to three of my richest friends (for discretion's sake I cannot mention any names - but you know who I mean).


Auntie

7(c)04

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22 Sep 2006 11:42 AM

9-21-06 21:30

I gotta tell you. All my heroes are black. Wouldn’t it be great to play guitar like Jimi Hendrix or sax like Charlie Parker, or sell T-Shirts like Steve Urkel?

I lived in Africa for four years. (show tatoo) Check it out.

Does that make me a Wigger?


When I was a kid in El Paso, Texas ...

Hey, anybody here from Texas?

Yeah, I hear you guys down there really love chicks with dicks.

... I mean, uh, The Dixie Chicks, sorry


When I was a kid in El Paso, Texas, all my friends were mexican.

(cheech voice)
Yeah man, we be hanging out in the barrio. We was bad little motherfuckers. I was the (suck in) tokin whitey.

(normal voice)
Man, I really wanted to be mexican too. I was all ready to go down to the river there in El Paso and swim across the Rio Grande THE OTHER WAY.

What would that make me? A whiteback?


I went up to my mom and said “Hey, mom I know what I wanna be when I grow up”

She said (mom voice) What’s that dear?

“I wanna be (cheech voice) MEXICAN!

She goes “As long has you’re happy son”

My mom was always very very supportive of everything I ever wanted to do.

I could’ve told her “Hey, Ma! When I grow up, I wanna be a serial rapist”

She would’ve said to me “As long has you’re happy son”

(1940s radio announcer voice)
And that next morning at breakfast little did the unsuspecting family know that during the night their cornflakes had been molested by

(dramatic music)

a CEREAL RAPIST!

(old pirate voice)
Arrrr, Captain Crunch set sail that day with a load of haaardy seamen.


7(c)06

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23 Sep 2006 9:35 PM

Thursday 9/28

Testes 1,2, 1,2 (point to goolies)

Test (silently point to each nut) Tickle (tickle testicles)

Test Tickle


You might wonder how it is that I got into show business in the first place, well it’s all because of

(pause) testicles.

huevos, nuts, cojones, bawls

When I was in the second grade, a spider bit me on the right testicle during the night. In the morning, it was swollen and it hurt too, but my folks made me go to school anyway.

It was ''Show and Tell'' that day, and when my turn came I dropped my drawers (drop drawers and make handsball) and showed everyone in the class the effects that a spider bite has in that region of the body. (pull up trousers)


Yeah, man everybody started giggling and I immediately knew that I loved making people laugh and so I was destined to become a comic to tell that story over and over again so that I can continue to suffering that indignity for the rest of my life.

I had to write on the board a hundred times:

I MUST WEAR CLOTHING UNDER MY OVERCOAT. I MUST WEAR CLOTHING UNDER MY OVERCOAT.


I was reading a scientific article that stated that the testicles are the second funniest part of a man’s body.

Maybe that’s why there’s two of em.

(sales pitch voice)
“We’re number two, we try harder. We’re nuts”


There’ve been plenty of testicle jokes over the centuries, starting with that great greek philospher “Testicles”.


And lots of funny songs written about the testes too.
(sung)
Hitler has only got one ball, Goehring has got two but they’re small
Himmler has something simlar, and Goebbels has no balls at all


And 3rd grade jokes like “You know why boys can run faster than girls? Because girls have got a split axle and boys have got a stick shift and two ball bearings”

People are always talking about equality of the sexes, but let me just state, once and for all, that the biological reason men are smarter than women is because men (like the Tyrannosaurus Rex) have TWO BRAINS.

It’s a little know medical fact that testicles are made of exactly the same tissue as the brain. So it’s not surprising that so many spurm of the moment decisions are made by the testicles.

Granted that one of the brains thinks constantly about sex, the OTHER brain is absorbed in much higher matters,

(pause) like sex.

The main advantage of having two brains is that when one brain is tired the other can take over. It’s kind of like channel surfing.

And you can always get a second opinion. When confronted with a difficult problem at work for example, one can always consult the testicles for their advice.

“What would you guys do in my position?”

(both hands make ball puppets)
The right nut responds (dumb cowboy voice) “I’d have to say grab her tits, Bob”

(me) “Do you concur”

(snobby brit voice)
“Indoobadablee”


Courage is often referred to as “Testicular Fortitude”. And here is a true tale of testicular fortitude:

I saw this porno movie where where this girl had this guy’s whole nut in her mouth.

I’m thinking ain’t no way I’d ever let somebody put one of my balls in their mouth. Huh uh! I’d be scared to death!

Man, you make one itsy bitsy wrong move and you’re in agony (whoa – scream ow!)

And you KNOW that if your old lady makes a SPECIAL REQUEST at that particular point in time, you are in NO position to refuse her anything.

Guys, never EVER give any woman that kind of power. I’m serious.

Like she’s got your nut in between her teeth and you’re gonna tell her “Hell no bitch, you ain’t getting no fucking diamond ring!”

I DON’T THINK SO!

She chomps down on it (sfx chomp crunch)

(grab balls - screams of agony).


“’Balls’ said the king, not because he had to, but because he had two” (peace sign)


Which brings us to the number one funniest part of the male anatomy. THE PENIS!

How about a big hand for my penis! Or two smaller hands will also do nicely.

Hey guys, remember when you were teenagers and you’d like get an erection at school in class for no reason at all? Don’t try to pretend it never happened to you. It happened to all of us. It used to happen to me all the time.

I always sat right behind Becky Freedman. She was the cutest little redhead, with the sweetest little butt.

While the teacher was talking (female teacher voice) “bla, bla, bla, bla, bla”, I was busy pondering Becky’s bottom.

Suddenly my dick goes (sfx: runnt, raise hand a little), I go “Huh?”

Then it goes (sfx: runnt, raise hand a little more) again!

I’m thinking “OH NO I’M GETTING A HARD-ON IN CLASS”

Then it explodes into a full blown erection. Well, since it’s all twisted up down in there it’s starting to hurt like hell and the hairs are getting ripped out by the root.

I’VE GOT TO ADJUST IT! NOW! (stick hand down pants)

(make the move) Aaah, that’s better. (start rubbing) Yeah, MUCH better! (rubbing more rhythmically)

And then I realize “Oh my god, I’m jacking off in class looking at the redhead’s ass”

Geez, I hope nobody notices.

Hey, that ryhmes, I oughta make a song out of it “I’m jacking off in class to the redhead’s ass”

Now, I know what you’re thinking “Is that guy standing up there REALLY masturbating RIGHT THERE ON STAGE??? Can’t you get arrested for that shit?”

Let me remind you that this is show business, and everything we create here is an illusion.

Besides, you’ll never know for sure will you?


(take hand out of trousers)
Just then, Mrs Mortenson yells at me “Sven, you come here right now”.

I’m thinking “Uh, actually ma’am I was just about to do that very thing.”

So as I’m getting out of my desk, I pull out my shirt so none of the kids in the class can see that I have a big ol’ boner bulging out.

I’m like doing the crab walk up the aisle.

Mrs Mortenson says “Why are your shirt tails out? Tuck in your shirt this minute.”

So I tuck in my shirt and get to the board and pick up the chalk (LH).

And that’s when I notice that the head of my dick has popped out of the top of my trousers (dicky fist at waistline RH side).

I get so nervous that I drop the chalk, and then realize that if I try to bend over to pick up it up, that it would break my dick in half.

Mrs Mortenson bent down to get the chalk and as she did I could see clear down her blouse right to the rims of the nipples. Now Mrs Mortenson may have had a face like a battle axe, but she had a set of tits that just WOULD NOT QUIT.

My dick’s like straining out of my trousers to get a better look (dicky fist moves)

My dick goes (elvis voice) “Nice set of bazongas there, little mama”

I’m like going “Shut up, shut up man, you’re gonna get us busted”

And then up comes Mrs Mortenson. And she suddenly finds herself face to face with junior (eye level dicky fist to LH palm)

(dramatic music)
The showdown

(move dicky fist back to waist side)
Junior says (dicky fist act - big bopper voice) “Hellllo Baaaaby!”

Mrs Mortenson stands up and says “Young man I want to see you in my office after class”

I’m thinking “Oh no, I’m gonna get a beating”

My dick’s going (sing-song) “Oh YEAH, I’m going get a beating (pause)

(elvis voice)
So it’s a date then, sugar. And I’ll bring the chalk.”


7(c)06

* * * * * * *

24 Sep 2006 11:52 AM

Auntie's Column "Beat Meter"

Dear Auntie,

I have lots of friends, and am involved in many organizations and groups at my high school.

For example, I am the drummer in the group “Onan and the Barbarians” and known locally as the absolute master of the skins. In my softball league, I’m respected by all for my batting expertise. I’m also the captain of the debate team, famous for winning the most debates last year.

But even with all these extra-curricular activities, my greatest pleasure is still playing all alone in my room with my harmonium.

But the other day, I was really getting off on this great beat and just about to pull out all the stops when suddenly my organ just quit. I tried everything to get it back up, but nothing seemed to work. Since then I haven’t even gone anywhere near it, fearing that it might never function again.

In shorts, I just haven’t been feeling myself lately.

Wayne Kerr

~

Dearest Wayne,

Yours is a touching story indeed. You just can’t beat it.

You seem to be a jack off many trades. On the drums, a master beater, a master batter, as well as a master debater. For someone so talented, it seems a shame that your hand pump organ is down.

What you need is a woman’s touch. I’d love to have a crack at getting it back up again for you. Come down to Auntie’s and I’ll give you a heaping helping of my special hot and spicy Jamaican jerk. Then we’ll have a good hard look at that instrument of yours.

It should only take a few key strokes, then Auntie will kiss it and make it all better.

Auntie

7(c)06

* * * * * * *

28 Sep 2006 9:33 AM

Dating Service

A few months after my first marriage fell to pieces, I decided it was time to get back into dating again.

But I really didn’t want to do the whole bar scene. All you ever meet in these places is drunken sluts.

Oh, hey, no offense to the drunken sluts here tonight. Don’t get me wrong I’ve been loving drunken sluts my whole life long.

Guys, let’s have a big hand for drunken sluts. Ya gotta love ‘em. Populating the planet one night stand by one night stand.


But I was looking at some other ways to meet women, so I went down to the dating service office.

I walked up to the receptionist sitting there and she said “May I have your name, please”


I’m thinking “Hey, I just wanted to start dating again, it’s not like I’m not like looking for some heavy commitment right off the bat!

I figured this chick must be REALLY desperate. No wonder she got a job as the receptionist here. That way she gets first shot at every eligible bachelor that walks in the door.

And isn’t it normally the guy’s job to propose? I dunno, I guess the rules have changed nowadays.

Oh hell, maybe I shouldn’t be so cynical. Maybe she really believes in love at first sight.

Yeah, baby, that’s that old “7” charisma I got. I can just walk into a room and not even have to say one word and all the ladies are going gaa-gaa. I got alpha male written all over me.

They say that all the good ones are taken, but this girl obviously knows a great catch when she sees one. Yeah, baby that’s what I’m talking about!

I can see it now, we’ll get a little place with a white picket fence and a few kids. It’ll be great.

Oh but shit, I’d have to get a REAL job, there’s no way that I could afford a mortgage and braces for the kids and all that other stuff with the money I make doing stand-up comedy.

But what if it doesn’t work out? Oh man we’ll get divorced, she’ll end up with the house, and I’ll hardly ever get to see the kids.

No, man. If things get rough, we’ll get counseling. We’ll make it work baby, I know we can. Me and you, baby! That’s right.

I love the way she does her hair, and she seems so intelligent with those cute little glasses. Plus her boobies look firm and are just the right size. She could be the best thing that ever happened to me.

You know, you can’t spend your life worrying about what might be, sometimes you just have to jump in with both feet and DO IT!

I’m gonna say ‘Yes’.

But, hmmm, I haven’t seen what she looks like from behind. Maybe she’s got a big old fat ass!

Man, I could NEVER EVER marry a chick with a big fat ass. Hey, look at my ass. All’s I’ve got is this skinny little flat ass.

If I had kids with some woman with a big ol’ pooper on her, they’d probably look like a cross between a dachshund and a saint bernard!

I mean, how could anyone justify bringing children into the world knowing that they’d be cursed for life with a big flat ass?”


Then the receptionist says to me “Uh, hell-llo. Sir, may I have your name please?”

I say “You know I’m truly honored, but first could you just stand up and turn around for me?”


7(c)06

* * * * * * *

30 Sep 2006 11:54 PM

You know ...

People think that because I have long hair and act cool that I must smoke pot.

I want you to know that I actually don’t smoke it anymore. I’ve been clean for over three (pause) hours now.

I’m a lot like Bill Clinton in that respect, the only difference being that I never EXHALED.

And Hillary never swallowed. Yeah right!

(gulp) There goes Chelsea's brother.

But it IS possible to smoke too much. Here are some hnts of ways to detect the symptoms of excessive marijuana use:

~

You know you’ve been smoking too much pot when

It’s lunchtime and you can’t remember if you had a bowl at 10 o’clock, so you toke double JUST IN CASE.

~

You know you’ve been smoking too much pot when

Your three square meals a day consist of nothing but doritos, chocolate chip cookies and beer.

~

You know you’ve been smoking too much pot when

You wake up Saturday morning and you can’t decide which to do first: get stoned, drink a beer or have a shit.

Then you get a stroke of genius and realize that you can DO ALL THREE AT THE SAME TIME!


My old lady comes banging on the door (bang, bang bang) “What the hell you doing in there so long? Are you jacking off again?”

I say “That’s a GREAT idea. Can you gimme a hand?”

Talk about multi-tasking!

(sung)
Heaven, I’m in heaven ...

~


You know you’ve been smoking too much pot when

You just finish a big fat skunk blunt when all of a sudden your woman starts going for your zipper and you find yourself asking her

“What the hell are you DOING?

~

You know you’ve been smoking too much pot when

She asks you “Given the choice RIGHT NOW between a blow job and a big doob, which would you choose?”

And YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THE ANSWER!

(contestant voice)
“Well, Bob, if I go for door number one, she’s going to expect the same back. “

And I’m telling you guys that the flavor of skunk and the taste of fish DO NOT MIX.

(french accent)
Et mesdames et messieurs pour diner, la specialite du chef, delicieux bouillebaisse soup served in a piping hot skunk’s ass.

~

You know you’ve been smoking way too much pot when you find yourself doing dopey routines like this.

In public no less!


7(c)06

* * * * * * *

1 Oct 2006 8:58 PM

Guys only

Wanna score with the chicks?

Here are 7's Guaranteed Sure-Fire Pickup Lines:

"I'm not interested in superficial things, what I really want to know is how you feel on the inside"

"When I noticed your tits, I just knew I had to meat you."

"We musicians use the rhythm method. What day of the month are you?"

"Did you know that the most ancient form of natural birth control was fellatio?"

"Could you help me get this thing out of my nose?"

"So what are you gonna fix us for breakfast tomorrow morning?"


7(c)84

* * * * * * *

8 Oct 2006 10:37 AM

A Nursery Rhyme

Hickory Dickory Dock
Her mouth rammed down my cock
The clock struck one
AND HERE I COME!
Hickory Dickory Dock


7(c)06

* * * * * * *

8 Oct 2006 7:48 PM

Proverb

A bird in the hand
might be worth two in the bush
But a bird inner bush
is worth two hands on the tush


7(c)06

* * * * * * *

13 Oct 2006 11:58 AM

10-12-06 10:30 pm

I just wanna talk to the guys here for a second.

So the ladies can cover their ears or cover their rears.

Hey guys

did you know

that your dick

SMELLS LIKE A SWEATY SOCK?


You don’t believe me? Ask your old lady.

That’s one of the great advantages to being a heterosexual guy.

When dinnertime comes around I’d MUCH RATHER have a nice fish taco in a soft porn tortilla,

than some overripe limburger served up in a tennis shoe!


But the ladies have got FDS.

Feminine Deodorant Spray.

Guys WE STINK! But you wonder why there’s no such thing as “Masculine Deodorant Spray”

I mean how the hell would you market it?

(sales pitch voice)
Guys, if your girl tells you that your dick tastes like a locker room floor use MDS!

(normal voice)
But they’d have to make it in MANLY scents, like A-1 Sauce or Bourbon.

(telling a joke)
So like these two guys are standing there at the bar and the one goes

“Say Fred, what fragrance of Masculine Deodorant Spray are you using on your weenie today?”

The other one says “Well, Bob I gotta tell ya, I ‘ve decided to stick with ketchup from here on out, the mustard leaves yellow stains in my underwear.”

The other guy asks “Is that French’s Mustard or Grey Poop-on?”


And for the ladies they got those flavoured douches:

Like they got strawberry,

(breathe heavy)
passion fruit,

WILD CHERRY!

But why don’t they make some practical flavors, like a spritz of lemon?

Or tartar sauce?

Those are flavors that go GREAT with fish!


(telling a story)
So deep in the African jungle Jane is in the treehouse trying out her new flavored douche.

Tarzan comes home swinging on a vine, and Jane says

(female british accent - sing-songy)
“Oh, Tarzan. I’ve got a little surprise for you.”

She gets Tarzan to go down on here and he’s doing his Tarzan lick
(johnny weissmiller yodel - 2X)

Then he starts sniffing (sniff, sniff) and he says to himself

(tarzan voice)
PUSSY SMELL LIKE BANANA BREATH!

(normal voice)
Then he starts to get suspicious

(tarzan voice)
WHO HAVE BANANA BREATH?

(normal voice)
Then he stands up and screams at Jane

(tarzan voice)
CHEETAH!

Jane goes (female british accent) “No, no. I’ve always been true to you”

Tarzan goes out into the jungle and spanks the shit out of that monkey.


Everybody knows that having sex with animals definitely sends you straight to hell.

Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

What about Star Trek, man?

(star trek theme)
Captain Kirk was poking his pecker in creatures from all over the universe.

Isn’t that like a million times WORSE than bestiality?


Do you go to hell for having sex with members of the plant kingdom?

I mean like who would you ask? The Pope?

(talking on phone - female voice)
Hello Pope,
Will I go to hell for using a zucchini as a sex toy?

If you’re not christian would you ask?

Your rabbi?

Or if you’re buddhist you could call the Dalai Lama.

(hold telephone to ear)
Hello Dalai,
(sung)
I said Hello Dalai, hello dollai


Folks, you know Halloween is coming up, but if you go down to the pumpkin patch and see one of them with a hole (make circle with hands) cut in it, DO NOT TOUCH IT!

(telling a joke)
Elijah is out there is the pumpkin patch, pumping this big old pumpkin

(elijah voice – pelvic thrusting)
Oh Yeah! The Great Pumpkin! Ooooh Baby!

His mom starts calling him

(sharecropper mom voice)
“Elijah, you get back home right now!”

Elijah yells back “Jizaminnit, ma, jism in it”


Maybe you won’t go to hell for fornicating with an inanimate object?

Like made of petroleum by-products


I MEAN, WHAT IS UP WITH DILDOES?

Now, you’re thinking “Oh no, he’s gonna say ‘Raise your hand if you use a dildo’”

PUH-LEASE!

DON’T RAISE YOUR HANDS! I don’t EVEN wanna know.


Ladies, don’t go out and pay $39.95 for a super duper steely dan.

Save your money, CALL ME! I’LL BE RIGHT OVER.

And if you really love the feel of plastic so much, then I’ll wear a condom.

Believe me, it’ll feel JUST LIKE A DILDO!


And what can a dildo do that I can’t huh?

You’re saying “Well, MY dildo can vibrate”

Let me tell you, I am a confirmed alcoholic. I go one day without a drink and

(shake whole body violently)
I’ll be shaking faster than your dildo set to vibra-max.

And then you’ll say “But MY dildo can

(star trek theme)
BOLDY GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.

Well, OK. You got me there.


(drop to knees – munchkin voice)
We represent the Lollipop kin, the Lollipop kin, the Lollipop kin.

(stand back up)
You’re saying “Oh man, that guy is making fun of midgets. How insensitive!”

But actually I have to admit

I’m part midget (point to dick)

Yup, that’s right.

I've got a really really really small dick.

(sung) "I've got an itsy bitsy teenie weenie"

You might laugh, but there are lots of advantages to having a really really really small dick.

- You can skinny-dip and not have to worry about shrinkage.

- No chance of breaking a condom.

- Nobody will ever find out if you're impotent.

- Deep throat EVERY time!

- And if you miss her mouth, you can fuck her nostril!
It gives a whole new meaning to to the term "NOSE JOB".


So like I'm on the Jerry Springer show and there's my wife AND my girlfriend.

My wife grabs the mic "Bitch! There's just one thing I wanna know! Has my old man been fucking you?"

My girfriend says "Gee, I'm not really sure."


Well, I just lost both my wife and my girlfriend, but I decided that I needed to get some action.

So I like dressed up like a Dyke and went downtown to pick up a lesbian. I go into this bar and they spot me immediately. This big old bull bouncer starts moving my way and I'm thinking to myself "She don't look so tough, I could lick 'er."

The best place to pick up lesbians is at a Sushi bar. You don't ask "Hey, Baby, can I buy you a drink?" You say "Give the lady another BIG plate of that RAAAAW sushi fish." Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmmm.

(sung)
"If you knew sushi, like I knew sushi, oh oh oh OH what a girl"

I manage to get this lezbo back to the hotel. And things are starting to heat up.

But suddenly she starts to get wise to me.

I say (Drag queen voice) "Oh honey, don;t hold it against me cause I'm flat-chested and a little hairy." (regular voice) "But you ever seen a clit like that?" (little finger at crotch - shake 3 times)


Guys with little dicks got to prove they're better than everybody else. They got to have a lump in their levis bigger than everybody elses.

I’m not talking about a codpiece.

You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the wallet.

A BIG wallet. Full of platinum cards and lots of spending cash.

When a lady says "Size don't matter", you know she ain't talking about your bank account. If your bank account was the same size as my dick, she'd be outta there in a minute.

Yeah, guys with little dicks... They got a BIG screen TV, a BIG car, a BIG house. Everything BIG. But we'll KNOW who's got an

(sung)
"itsy bitsy teenie weenie"

when your girl LAUGHS.


7(c)06/03

* * * * * * *

Comment to Rich Weiss Sep 7, 2006 12:02 AM

In regards to your bottled air distribution business, I have a few queries:

Is your bottled air domestic or imported? I once had air from high in the Swiss Alps. It's very rare up there.

However, I prefer mine medium-well.

Do you deal in any other gases? A tank of nitrous oxide would certainly help me to get a few giggles down at the club.

Any chance of a helium cocktail with that?

We represent the Lollipop Kin, the Lollipop Kin, the Lollipop Kin ...

Oh, hell I just pissed myself laughing!!!

Have you got a kleenex?

7(c)06

* * * * * * *

Comment to Rich Weiss Oct 13, 2006 4:54 PM

In regards to your query of Oct 8, 2006 8:53 PM

''Ginger or Mary Ann?''

I would have to answer definitely Mary Ann!

You KNOW that Mary Ann wouldn't mind doing the laundry and the cooking!

Easy on the eyes and easy on the ears.

Ginger was too whiny and hoity toity.

There's girls that you fuck and then there's girls that you marry.

If can only make one choice, you gotta think long-term. Mary Ann was the marrying kind.


Hey, did you see that episode of Roseanne where they had all the old Gilligan's Isle actors?

Man, Mary Ann still looked HOT! And Ginger definitely not!

I'd've picked Mary Ann then and I'd still pick Mary Ann now.


You're gonna show Dawn Wells this comment aren't you?

Well, just cause I gotta crush on her doesn't mean that I'd wanna go steady or anything.

I mean like we could be friends and stuff, but her old man could probably kick the living shit outta me!

On second thought, forget it. Instead of a lifelong commitment to Mary Ann, I'll choose a one-night stand with a young Ginger and then jack off to that memory for the rest of my life ...


But now that I think of it, actually every man needs THREE women.

Mary Ann: a wife to keep house.

Ginger: a red hot movie star gorgeous mistress.

And Mrs. Howell: Gigolo the old broad to pay for the other two women.


7(c)06

* * * * * * *

Oct 21, 2006 2:25 PM

Muffett

Little Miss Muffet

Sat on a Tuffett

Eating her curds and whey

Along came a spider

Who sat down beside her

And said "Don't run away

You can stay

It's OK

Cause I'm gay"


7(c)06

* * * * * * *

Oct 22, 2006 10:13 AM

The Post-Male Future

Did you read about the predicted demise and degeneration of the male chromosome? Not just in humans but in ALL species. That in a million years or so ALL animals will be exclusively female.

I don't get it. How are animals going to procreate if there are no males to inseminate? OK, human females have got a way out via technology, but what about the rest of nature's creatures?

When the day comes when the last male of the species dies, how is Mother Nature (who is also 100 percent female now) going to fix the dilemma?

Maybe it'll be like frogs, who can change sex at will according to the community's needs.

Somewhere in this "post-male future" there's this Amazon frog scanning the information superduperhighway want-ads:

[southern belle accent]
"Hmmm, (dribbit) there sho' seems to be a big demand for fertile male mutants these days. (dribbit) Maybe I should do my civic duty and become a man, for just a little while, mind ya, to come to the aid of those poor damsels in distress."

So she goes in the other room:

[grunts and groans "growing pains"]

[blowing up condom mimes growing penis]

"I wanna grow a dick. I'm growing a dick. I can feel it growing. I'm growing a BIG dick, a big LONG dick."

[more grunts and groans]

(aside)"God, this evolution takes eons!"

So pretty soon...

[stomping, hands like pistons at sides]

BOM BOM BOM BOM

[put on shades - robocop stance]

[Schwarzenegger accent]
"DA SPERMINATOR!"

[mime carrying a BIG fire hose from crotch]

[mime spray the whole room]

RAT-A-TAT-TAT-etc.


Next week this ad appears:

FERTILE MALE: Females seeking impregnation may apply from 9 to 5 daily. Certified highest quality semen. Ask for BULL.

(very low DRIBBIT)

Standard rates apply. Kinky stuff extra."

*

Or else maybe those future post-male females won't even need a partner. They'll just be able to self-inseminate every time they masturbate.

Sounds great doesn't it? Every time you cum you get pregnant!

[Fake orgasms]

(Aah, aah. Oh my god! Oh my god!)

Twins

Multiple orgasms would net triplets

(aah, Aaah, AAH!)

or quadruplets

(Oh, NOOO!),

The Jackson Five,

[SCREAMING!]

(AAAH, OHMIGOD, AAAAAH!!)

The whole frigging Brady Bunch!

aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH !!!


7(c)93

* * * * * * *

Oct 27 2006 11:27 AM

Casual Sex

I'm really not interested in casual sex, 
I like it nice and ENERGETIC!


7(c)84

* * * * * * *

Oct 28 2006 10:33 AM

Loose Women

I'm really not interested in loose women,
I like 'em nice and TIGHT!


7(c)84

* * * * * * *

Oct 29 2006 11:51 AM

A few definitions (in honor of Halloween)

pumpkin
What hillbillies do when they're horny

The Witch'sHat
Past tense of "The Witch'sHit"

monster
A black cat's dick

broomstick
What a witch with no black cat rides

goblin
How a witch awakens a sleeping monster


7(c)06

* * * * * * *

Dec 1, 2006 3:10 PM

Where is Uranus?

My friends,

As you know, for the last couple of weeks, I've been posting my limericks in honor of the nine planets (or there used to be nine planets anyway).

Many astute readers and loyal fans have written in to tell me they noticed that I had not yet posted "Uranus".

Here are excerpts from some of the inquiries I've recently received from many of you:

"I want to see uranus NOW!"

"Uranus is the scenter of my universe"

"Show me uranus and I'll show you mine"

"Quit sitting around on uranus and post the damn limerick already!"


If you ask most women "Where is uranus?" you will likely get answers like "Watching the game" or "Mowing the lawn".


The truth is, you don't know uranus from a hole in the ground.

* * * * * * *

Dec 2, 2006 3:39 PM

Texanisms

One of the beautiful things about listening to Texans speak is their fondness for inserting "fucking" right into the middle of words.

You hear things like:

inFUCKINGcredible

or

absoFUCKINGlutely

Here's my current favorite texanism:

george DOUBLEfuckingYOU bush


7(c)06

* * * * * * *

Dec 10 2006 11:58 AM

Elvis Lives!

* * * * * * *

Dec 16 2006 5:07 PM

Transcript of my 12/11/06 Set at Biacci's

12/11/06 Biacci's (Upland, CA) 10:30 pm

MC: “This guy is so cool he has a number for a name. ‘7’ and his wife is ‘8’.”

[to MC]
Oh yeah, I got ate last night, for sure.


When I was a kid, I used to live in Texas. Anybody here from Texas?

(nope)

I hear they really like them Chicks with Dicks down there.


Sorry, I mean the Dixie Chicks.

Hey, all somebody has to do to get famous is to diss a Texan president, eh?

But they also got blackballed. BIG TIME


Hey, let’s have a big hand for the Dixie Chicks. Exercising their right to freedom of speech.

(applause)

I’ll probably get blackballed tonight too. You watch.


Yeah, the Dixie Fucking Chicks.

That’s how they talk down there in Texas. They put the word “fucking” into the middle of everything.

[TX voice]
in FUCKINGcredible

absoFUCKINGlutely

Here’s one for ya:
george DoubleFuckingYou bush

Need me to say that again?


[reg voice]
As long as we’re on the subject of bush, how many of you girls shave it?

(one girl raises her hand)

And why do you shave your pussy, ma’am?

(she says “What?”)

Makes you feel like a kid again, eh?


Hey, how many of you guys prefer bald pussy?

(about half the men’s hands go up)


My wife said to me that also ALL guys prefer big tits. I’m gonna prove right now that that’s not true.

How many of you guys prefer girls with teeny tiny titsies?

(more than half the male hands go up)


[I point to a guy who’s sitting with a chick with small breasts]

Dude, if you wanna get any tonight, you better raise your hand. Cause those ain’t exactly watermelons.


Notice how it’s all the same guys that love bald pussies with no tits.

It’s great to know I’m playing to a house full of child molesters tonight.


[point at Shill #1]

Hey, does your parole officer know you’re here?

(MC lights)

Shill #1: You’re a fucking asshole!

Oh, wow, guys! We got a heckler in the house. Cool!

Give him a BIG hand ladies and gentlemen.

(applause)

You know, sir, lot of people really like fucking assholes. In fact I’ve heard many ladies enjoy it getting it that way as well. So I figure that must mean you like me. You definitely look like a guy who enjoys fucking assholes.


OK, by a show of hands, who else would like to be a heckler tonight?

(several people raise their hands – I pick Shill #2)

And what’s your heckle?

Shill #2: “You ain’t funny”

Wow, I’ve never heard THAT ONE before! Give her a big hand folks.

(applause)


Now how would Michael Fucking Richards have handled this?

Fifty years ago

BOTH of your grandmothers should’ve had abortions


with a fork

hanging by their feet.


Any more hecklers? Raise your hands!

(no more hands go up)


Then I guess I’ll just have to heckle myself!

[to myself]
YOU SUCK

[turn to audience]
Hey, do I suck?

Hell Yeah!


I said do I SUCK?

Hell Yeah!


Am I a fucking asshole?

Hell YEAH!


ARE YOU GUYS HAVING FUN TONIGHT?

HELL YEAH !!


Thank you, you’ve been a great audience. Give yourselves a big hand.

(applause)

YOU ROCK!

PEACE OUT


7(c)06

* * * * * * *

Dec 17 2006 12:21 PM

Auntie's Column: Virginia

Dear Auntie,

I just found out that "piano" is an Italian word meaning "soft". Why on earth would they call an instrument that's so big and hard a "soft"?

I've been toying a lot lately with the idea of getting an upright into my room, but my passageway is so narrow that I'm afraid it might get stuck in there and never come out.

My cousin from Lapland has been visiting. He's got a cute accent, he pronounces it "pee-onner". He's a real player, man can he bang that thing! He says that his instrument is the hardest in the world.

Besides piano, he's also been teaching me a traditional dance from his home country.

I know they have a lot of reindeer in Lapland, so I asked him if he'd ever met Santa Claus. He pretended like he didn't know what I was talking about.

My question is this: Is there a Santa Claus?

Wets Virginny


Dearest WV,

Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus.

Come christmastime go sit on Santa's lap and do that dance your cousin is teaching you. He won't be able to refuse you. In fact he'll probably give you the upright then and there!

If you're still worried that it might be too tight of a squeeze to get it into your place, ask Santa if he'll try to fit it in through the back door.

Auntie

PS: Have you considered a spinet?

All you need is a good rope, a pulley and a basket (preferably made in China).

Simply lower the basket onto the pianist, then spinet!

7(c)04

* * * * * * *

Jan 5, 2007 12:28 PM

Trees

Beech
The Spanish term for “woman”

Ash
What belligerent drunksh tell you to kish

Redwood
A communist erection

Sycamore
[chico marx voice]
If he getta any sycamore, he gonna die

Date Palm
You treat yourself to an expensive meal at a fancy restaurant and then go home and jerk off.


7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Jan 6, 2007 11:38 AM

Trick Question

Tree Question:

If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

[oakie accent]
Ah'd be a Country!

Mighty juicy fruit twixt them limbs



7(c)97

* * * * * * *

Jan 13, 2007 2:06 PM

Auntie's Column: Country

Dear Auntie,

At the jamboree, my uncle Joe invited me back to his trailer for a session.

Right after we bluegrass, he pulled his huge pick out of his trousers As he plucked my g-string I began to tremelo and sigh. In a heartbeat he was all the way down to the nut in first position. I can’t tell you more, but he really loved my F-holes.

Now he's always trying to jam with me. Should I let him or should I banjo forever?

Amanda Lynn

~

Dearest AL,

It seems as if old Joe Clark can’t get enough of the relative minor’s new key.

Are there any bachelors in those hills that you're NOT related to? If you could be a tree, we all know what kind you’d be.



Auntie



7(c)06

* * * * * * *

Jan 20, 2007 2:56 PM

Don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys

I had just done a set in this small midwest town and walked outside the club for a smoke.

There was a bunch of rednecks hanging out on the street corner, and one of them yells out "Hey, motherfucker!"

Naturally, I looked around and to my dismay I see that the posse is directing that insult towards yours truly!

As they move closer, I can see that the ringleader looks an awful lot like me ...

... and this girl I'd had a one-night stand with in that very same town about twenty years ago.

I said "You oughta show some more respect there, sonny. If it weren't for motherfuckers like me, you wouldn't even be here."


7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Jan 21, 2007 12:08 PM

Close Encounters of the Redneck Kind (part 2)

So like all these goat ropers start circling around me, and one them says

[billy joe bob voice]
"Whoo-ee. Look at that long hair on this sombitch! I can tell he's one of them queery ass faggots from Californ-eye-A!"

I'm thinking "Oh, man, this is getting ugly! How do I deal with this situation?"

I decide to take the intellectual route, and say

[3rd grade voice]
"It takes one to know one"



7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Jan 28, 2007 7:24 PM

Vegas Wedding

I just got back from Las Vegas and while driving up the strip we passed a wedding chapel that had on its marquee:

Hell, I didn't even know they were dating!


7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Jan 29, 2007 10:52 PM

Norma Jean

"Damn! I shouldn't have eaten all those beans!"



7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Feb 3, 2007 11:19 AM

Premarital Sex

Sex before marriage?

It has now been scientifically proven that that's the only time you'll get any. Once you're married all that comes to a screeching halt!

As my ex-wife was fond of saying "Once you done caught the fish, ain't no point in giving him more bait."


7(c)85

* * * * * * *

Feb 10, 2007 5:26 PM

Hung Jury

The outcome in the courtroom if a porn star is tried by his peers.

7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Feb 11, 2007 11:23 PM

Fairy Tales

Cream filled buns with hair and pimples.

7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Feb 12, 2007 8:45 AM

Brando in Drag

The Fairy Godfather

7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Feb 17, 2007 3:28 PM

Come Together

* * * * * * *

Feb 22, 2007 11:47 PM

Exciting Low Calorie Meals

Weight loss is best achieved by a low calorie diet coupled with a healthy fitness regimen including (but not limited to) physical activities such as dancing, jumping, etc.

While always an unforgettable event, the secret to weight loss below is even more exciting when experienced nude!

warning: Minors should be accompanied by a sober adult when attempting the following:


FRIED ICE CUBES
(zero calories!)

1. Light stove top burner.

2. Get a large saucepan, a bottle of vegetable oil, and and a tray of ice cubes.

3. Pour 2/3 cup of oil into saucepan.

4. Empty the tray of ice cubes into a large bowl.

5. Heat oil to maximum (7 minutes or until steaming)..

6. Pour ice cubes from bowl into hot oil.

7. Begin dancing and jumping around.


Disclaimer: Disavows disability, disaster, disfigurement, dismemberment, disembowelment (ewww!) or discontent including (but not limited to): loss of property, loss of limb, loss of life or loss of face.


7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Feb 24, 2007 4:10 PM

Auntie's Column: Fork Etiquette

Dear Auntie,

Occasionally I'll find myself at a dinner where the salad and dinner fork are identical. I know the salad is supposed to be the one on the outside, but if they're exactly the same, how can I know for sure?

This really bothers me as I would hate to accidentally use the wrong fork!

Thank you!

P. Rick


Dearest P.Rick,

While Auntie tries to answer every question as truthfully as she can, it annoys Auntie greatly when people like you write me with obviously bogus situations.

A lowlife like you would never ever be invited to anything even faintly resembling a formal dinner.

The second fork is placed there for you to use as a defensive weapon should any of the psycho street trash that you hang out with try to steal some food from your plate.

Stabbing fellow diners with a knife is considered extremely poor etiquette even among the homeless, however fork marks usually go away within a week.


Auntie

7(c)04

* * * * * * *

Mar 2, 2007 2:21 PM

Who is going to build the wall?

Comedians know that Carlos Mencia’s career took a change in direction after the disclosure of his stealing lines from other comics.

Here’s the set-up:
Headline: The United States government is going to build a fence along its southern border to keep Mexicans out.

Punchline:
Who is going to build that wall?

AAAA HAAA HAAA HAAA HA !


Ari nailed it first, but George Lopez used that bit too. Why isn’t Lopez’s ass on the line like Ned’s, hmmmmm?


Everybody keeps asking “Who’s gonna build it?”, but nobody’s giving the answer.

I’ll tell you who is going to build that wall.

The same incompetent bureaucracy that built the levees in New Orleans.


The Army Corps of Engineers.


If the quality of their work on “The Great Wall of Mexico” is equal to the job they did in Louisiana, rest assured that that wall will do less than nothing to stem the flood of illegals crossing to El Norte.


7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Mar 3, 2007 12:15 PM

Poverty

* * * * * * *

Mar 10, 2007 1:59 PM

777

* * * * * * *

Mar 11, 2007 12:10 PM

neologism

* * * * * * *

Mar 17, 2007 4:08 PM

What do you get when a Leprechaun pees on a shamrock?





urine luck 7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Mar 18, 2007 9:30 PM

The Morning After

Irish Proverb:
"If you wake up thirsty after a night of heavy drinking,
it just goes to prove that you didn't drink enough the night before"

* * * * * * *

Mar 23, 2007 8:23 PM

Read It & Weep

* * * * * * *

Mar 24, 2007 4:41 PM

Travelog USA

Mar 30, 2007 1:27 PM

Fear of Okies

Oklahomophobia

7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Apr 6, 2007 1:27 PM

For Hendrix Fans

knock, knock

who's there?

"Hey Joe"

hey joe who?

Hey Joe Guts


7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Apr 7, 2007 9:23 PM

I figured out why guys bring their dates to Comedy Clubs.

Marilyn Monroe said it best "If you can get a girl to laugh, you can get her to do anything."

Us comics get your lady to laugh, you take her home and get laid.

Done deal !!!

7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Apr 14, 2007 3:33 PM

All men are dogs

One of the clubs I perform at has this policy of no bestiality jokes or pedophile jokes. And I’m OK with that.

[wc fields voice]
“Ahh, yesss. Anyone who hates dogs and children can’t all bad”

Besides, I’m sick to death of all those Michael Jackson jokes anyway.


And no jokes that are degrading to women either.

I guess all that leaves male-bashing.


The ladies love to say “All men are dogs”

Go ahead ladies, say it:

[ladies]
All men are dogs!


But, hey, let’s think this over for a minute.

Dogs are always appreciative of any attention you give them.

Dogs are loyal friends, and dogs are very protective.

Somebody tries messing with you baby, your dog is ALL up in his shit.


So you know what? I’m PROUD to be a dog!


C’mon guys, say it with me!

“I’m proud to be a dog!”

[gents]
I’m proud to be a dog!

Now guys, turn to your lady, look her straight in the eye and say:

“I’m proud to be your dog”

[gents]
I’m proud to be your dog

“Your protector”

[gents]
Your protector

“Your companion”

[gents]
Your companion


[lead the applause]
A big hand for the ladies, y’all

And the men who love you.


You know dogs don’t ask for much in return

Just to sleep at the foot of your bed

And to [loud snuffle noises] sniff your crotch

And hump your leg [hump mic stand – doggy panting noises]


OK, OK ladies go ahead and say it:

[ladies]
All men are dogs!


7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Apr 27, 2007 11:46 PM

A classic from Shakespeare's "Hamlet"

Alas ...


knock, knock

who's there?

Yurick

Yurick who?

Yurick Hunt



7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Apr 28, 2007 11:18 PM

Jaffa Who?

Knock, Knock

Who's there?

Jaffa

Jaffa who?

Jaffa Q!



7(c)07

* * * * * * *

May 6, 2007 11:31 AM

Get Rich Quick

It has now been scientifically proven that the fastest way to get rich is to be born to rich parents!

It works EVERY time!


7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Jun 2, 2007 8:04 PM

The Funniest Pot Joke Ever

So me and my buddy Fred were like getting totally wasted and I came up with this fantastic joke about weed, and when I told him the joke, he started laughing so hard that the beer he was drinking came shooting right out of his nose!

Man, I started cracking up too and I was laughing so hard that my jaws began to ache. If we even looked at each other we would bust up all over again. We both had tears streaming down our faces! We could hardly even breathe!

He said to me "Dude, that was the funniest fucking pot joke EVER!!!"

I wish I could remember it.


7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Jun 17, 2007 10:38 PM

"Ginger or Mary Ann?"

I would have to answer definitely Mary Ann!

You KNOW that Mary Ann is a homebody! Easy on the eyes and easy on the ears.

There's girls that you fuck and then there's girls that you marry.

If you can only make one choice, you gotta think long-term. Mary Ann is the marrying kind.


On second thought, forget it. Instead of a lifelong commitment to Mary Ann (who, like all wives, will eventually stop putting out anyway), I'll choose a one-night stand with a young Ginger and then jack off to that memory for the rest of my life ...


But wait! Now that I think of it, actually every man needs THREE women.

Mary Ann: A wife to keep house.

Ginger: A red hot movie-star-gorgeous mistress.

AND Mrs. Howell: You gigolo the old broad to get the money to pay for the other two women!

* * * * * * *

Jun 21, 2007 11:12 PM

cum like a pornstar

I keep getting these emails (you probably do, too) that say things like “Increase Your Semen by 500%” or “5X more spunk!”

What ARE these people thinking??? What could be the advantage possibly be?

A three day wet spot?

No more need to buy kleenex, only paper towels will do.

When practicing safe sex, guys, you’ve just got to love the aftermath sensation of goosestepping in galoshes full of slush!

[infomercial voice]
THIS could be the miracle treatment in the cure for anorexics!

7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Jun 30, 2007 2:17 PM

Heaven and Hell

* * * * * * *

Jul 8, 2007 12:25 AM

Wise Cracker

An Enlightened Honky


7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Jul 14, 2007 4:12 PM

This dwarf walks into a gay bar

And says “Alright, who’s got the biggest cock in this bar?”


Then the dwarf pops out a hundred dollar bill waves it in the air and says “OK, I’ll pay a HUNDRED BUCKS to suck the biggest cock in the bar.”


This one guy’s thinking “Hey, he’s the perfect height!”
[visual]

Then the guy says “Shit ya, I’LL take a hundred bucks to let somebody suck me off” and whips out his peter. It’s a whopping 9 inches long!


Another guy says “Hell, my dicks bigger than that!. SHOW ME THE MONEY!” and plops his meat out onto the table.

It’s foot long dodger dog!


Then Shaq steps up.

His manhood is 15 inches long and as big around as your forearm.
[heave onto table]


The dwarf puts the $100 back in his pocket

And unzips his fly to unfurl a hard-on which beats Shaq by a full two inches!

He kisses the head of his own dick and says “I guess we're sleeping alone again tonight, darling. Who needs you guys anyway?”

* * * * * * *

Jul 15, 2007 2:05 PM

Priapism

So this guy walks into a bordello and tells the ladies that he suffers from priapism (a medical condition where the erection will NOT subside).

He says “I’ve been to best specialists all over the world and no one can seem to help me! You are my last hope. I’ll give $10,000 to any woman that can make my hard-on go away.”

The whores try EVERYTHING to get it to go down. Two girls at a time, oral, anal, bondage, animals, THE WORKS!

This goes on for hours and hours. Nothing seems to help. His cock is just as stiff as the moment he walked in, and all the girls are exhausted from working so hard trying to get it to go down.

Finally, the ugliest most horrible stinking skank in the house says “Let me have a go!”

She goes up to the room, and the rest of the hookers are waiting downstairs for what seems like an eternity while she’s up there with the John.

Finally, seven hours later she comes down the stairs waving ten thousand dollars in cold cash at everyone.

They’re flabbergasted, and say “Wow! How did you manage it?”

The woman says “Well, after fucking for six solid hours, I waited for him to fall asleep.”

One of the girls asks “And then what did you do, Lorena?”


7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Aug 19, 2007 2:33 PM

What do you call ...

... a vertically challenged prestidigitator?

A midgetian.

7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Aug 22, 2007 10:45 PM

MySpace "Friends"

I hope that you won't even bother to read this bulletin.

This is what I am going to do. When I see that one of you has reposted this, I will delete your sorry ass.

This is just to prove who is and who is not a true myspace friend. So if you think you're a good myspace friend, do not repost this.

And if you don't think you're a good myspace friend, then go right ahead and waste everyone's time by reposting this inane bulletin.

This is just to know who your true myspace friends are.

Repost this as "I'M A FUCKING LOSER WHO LIKES TO SPAM THE BOARDS WITH BULLSHIT!"


7(c)07

* * * * * * *

Dec 9, 2007 6:15 PM

Auntie's Column: "Boy Toy"

Dear Auntie,

I don’t believe that any of the people who write you are actually real people. I think you just use fictitious characters. This makes me mad, because I want to be a real boy!

Yours Truly,
Pinocchio

~

Dearest Pinocchio,

Auntie would like you to do her a favor and use that nose of yours to tickle her fancy.

You need to tell Auntie sweet things like “You’re the most beautiful woman in the whole world”, “I love you”, “I’ll never leave you” and “You’re the kindest, most generous person that ever lived”.

If you will do that for Auntie, then she will grant your every wish and even better, turn you into a real man.

Auntie

7(c)07

* * * * * * *

For more laughs, visit my MySpace Comedy Page
http://myspace.com/7theComedian

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