10 Fun Things for the Keyboardist
to Do at a Gig
1. Before the gig even begins, pretend to be totally drunk. Knock things
over, stumble around and mumble at the top of your lungs about CIA cover
ups involving mind control implants. Make sure the owner sees all this.
2. During the Drummerís solo, shout at him repeatedly "A
!" "A !!" "A !!!"
"A !!!!" Getting louder each time.
3. When the Bass player begins his solo, point at his derriere and make
a sour face like you smell something REALLY bad. Continue to hold your
nose and make snide remarks for the duration of his solo.
4. Whenever the Guitar player takes a solo, play a solo right over the
top of him like you donít even notice. Progressively turn your volume
louder and louder. If he stops playing, you stop too. If he starts back
in again, you start too. Later if he says anything, tell him "Oh,
I thought we were Ďtrading foursí!"
5. Just before a song, tell the Bass player that right after your solo
itíll modulate to C#. Tell the Guitarist that it goes to G#. Meanwhile
continue to play in the original key all the way through.
6. Begin every one of your solos with the "Chicken Dance"
7. Between songs begin shaking violently. Then ask loudly over the microphone
if anyone in the audience has a hypodermic needle you can borrow.
8. Unzip your trousers. At break walk around to the tables greeting
the customers. If anyone mentions that your flyís undone, say things
like: "I donít criticize the way you dress" or "At least
Iím not fat and bald" or "Can you give me a hand to get it
9. During the climax of your solo, fake a climax of your own. Make it
as real and as loud as possible. Afterwards ask the audience in an out-of-breath
voice if it was good for them too.
10. Just before the very last song of the night, scream "Nobody
move! I lost my contact lens!" Make all the band members to look
for it on their hands and knees. Get the audience to do it too.
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