Jeff Brent - Humor: Dinger Ring

DINGER RING

If a woman tries to change a man, it's called "education", "for his own good", a "public service".

But if a man tries to change a woman it's chauvinist oppression, sexist slurs, putdowns.

Oh man, what's a brother to do?

All's I can figure is that GOD MUST BE FEMALE AND SHE'S USING WOMEN TO TRY TO MAKE MAN IN HER OWN IMAGE.

But I've got the answer: THE MALE CHASTITY BELT!

It's not a belt actually, it's a little golden ring.

Not a finger ring - But a DINGER RING!

Like, you know, a RING on your DINGER!

It's the latest rage in BODY PIERCING!!!

[sales pitch voice]

"Yes, you too can make your committment to chastity till matrimony. Get your one and only genuine original DINGER RING! Only $29.95, 24 kt gold, instructions and sharp pointy piercing needle included.

Yessiree bob, there's just something about a little golden ring embedded there in the foreskin that can sure make a body think twice about having sex out of wedlock."

There's a new definition now to the term "Real Man". A real man is strong enough to resist primeval animalistic urges. A real man relates to women on many other levels than purely sexual. A real man abstains by choice and is no slave to h-h-hormonal-l-lust. Those strong and almost relentless drives which so succesfully served to populate the planet from pole to pole is now leading to the outright downfall of the world as we know it!!!

The DINGER RING is the answer, and the true symbol of a real man's undying devotion to abstinence until marriage.

In schools across the nation, the benefits of male chastity have been disseminated under the banner of: "Keep that ring on your dinger, till you get a ring on your finger".

This recent educational program has resulted in a sharp drop in teen pregnancies as MORE AND MORE BOYS ARE TAKING FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR OWN ACTIONS AND DECLINING TO PARTICIPATE IN PRE-MARITAL SEX!

Girls all know now that if a boy DOESN'T have a DINGER RING, there is a good chance that he is wild, unreliable, and not suitable marriage quality. Every modern young lady is QUITE aware that it would be madness, taking her life in her own hands to marry someone who doesn't wear a DINGER RING! Just remember "Keep that ring on your dinger till you get a ring on your finger"

[TV sports announcer voice]

"So what DO the experts say in this raging controversy over this latest fashion fury!?"

"Genital Body Piercing and its Relationship to the New Male Chastity Movement".

is the title of a recent scientific work by the esteemed Dr. Chops. Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you Dr. Buster Chops."

(background music)

Dr. Chops: [fake professional doctor voice]

"Yes, thank you. Tonights discussion will focus on the most frequently asked questions concerning the public health issues surrounding genital body piercing.

The most important buzzwords here are safety and effectiveness.

"Is it safe?"

This is the biggest concern of all. Naturallty it is equally as safe to pierce the genitalia as it is to pierce the ears. One must be careful of hygiene otherwise the member could become infected and drop off. Statistically speaking only about 50 to a hundred ears drop off every year due to earring infections, no cause for a real man to worry.

"Is it effective?"

Of course, the gold ring can be removed at any time. It's value is mainly psychological. It gives one a chance to have second thoughts in order to decide once again in favor of abstinence

[stage whisper/aside]

instead of just taking the damn ring out and getting it on.

(CLEAR THROAT)

Another major concern is the pain factor.

One of the most frequently asked questions regarding genital body piercing is:

"When they take that long pointy sharp needle and stick it deep into your flesh twisting and ripping through the layers of delicate tissue, doesn't it hurt so bad that you have to scream at the top of your lungs and the neighbors'll call 911 thinking somebody's being murdered in your living room, and suddenly the cops bust down the door and find me standing there with my dick in one hand and a long sharp pointy needle in the other just about to pierce my poor penis with pain. Aaaaah! The pain, oh the pain. Don't they have an anesthetic for this? Shouldn't I be knocked out for the procedure and a few days hospital bedrest after the ordeal?"

Dr. Chops responds: "Only a wimp would ask a question like that."

Even married men have begun sporting genital jewelry once their child-bearing years are over.

The following excerpts from a live conversation are typical of exchanges of married couples in which the husband has decided to take a vow of chastitiy and abstinence, let's listen in, shh...

Mrs: [screaming]
"What the hell is this stupid ring doing on your dick?!?"

Mr:
"Well, YOU have pierced ears."

Mrs:
"Yeah, well, that's different"

Mr:
"Yes, because my ring is a symbol of my commitment to abstinence."

Mrs:
"And since when did you decided to become a monk?"

Mr:
"Ever since you stopped putting out"

Mrs:
"It's no wonder 'I stopped putting out', if that's all you think love is all about.

Mr:
"I don't even THINK about it any more."

Mrs:
"Oh yeah, and what about those magazines down in your bottom drawer?"

Mr:
"Well, I do get nostalgic sometimes."

Mrs:
"Nostalgia, my ass."

Mr: [screaming]
"Hey, I been wearing this ring in my fucking foreskin for eight months and this is the first time you've noticed.

[softer]

Anyway how do you like it? It's solid gold."

Mrs:
"Well, at least I know that your vows are not just lipservice."

Mr:
"Hmmm, yes, lipservice. Please!"

Hey have you heard that the Hare Krishna guys all have started putting little bells on their Dinger Rings? They call 'em Ringer Dinger Rings, or something like that. I guess it makes it easier for them to sneak into airports.

[singsong & dance / shake hips to ring bells]

Hare Rama (ding, ding) Hare Ding, etc.

But the ding dings are just for the little guys! The big guys have DONGS.

[dance around some more]

Hare ding ding, Hare ding ding.

[waving one arm like a swinging cock]

Hairy dong. Hairy DONG, DONG, DONG. [Big Ben chimes]

Some have even begun embedding precious stones in their pierced genital ornamentation:

[telling a joke]

See, there's these two guys in the restroom at some ritzy bar.

They're both standing there, taking a leak side by side. Mr Pomp and Mr Circumstance.

Mr. Pomp: [snooty British elder statesman accent]

(peeking over)

"I say old man what's that huge thing you have dangling between your legs there?"

Mr. Circumstance: [same social class as Mr. Pomp but in his 60s]

(turning towards Pomp as he speaks)

"Well, those are the family jewels of course. You see, those are the birthstones of my seven ..."

Mr. Pomp:

(screaming and jumping away)

"Hey watch watch out mate! You're pissing all over me trousers."

[gold fever]

I reckon NOW is the time to really rake in the big bucks with high tech. Every one of these penis rings could also contain a little computer homing chip, so just in case someone named Lorena threw your dick out the window, using satellites and laser technology they could easily lock on to its current coordinates!

Radio voice: This is satellite search control, do you read me?

EL: "Yes, yes. Have you located the object, sir?"

RV: {radio static) "Affirmative"

EL: "That's good! What's it's status?"

RV: (long silence)

EL: "Hey do you read me?"

RV: "Yessir." (long silence)

EL: "Well, then speak up. Cat got your tongue?"

RV: (static) "Actually sir, (static) cat got your dong"

And to this very day he's still chasing that pussy.

EL: "Here, kitty, kitty!"

RV: (static) "10-4"

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