Nowadays there's a lot of talk about bisexuals, homosexuals and heterosexuals, but I've never read or heard anything about my own sexuality which is why I've decided to bring this out into the open once and for all.
I am an Autosexual, which means: By preference, I only have sex with myself. I'm certain that down through the ages Autosexuals have disguised their orientation behind the veils of false timidity, feigned impotence, faked frigidity and the like. Must we hide forever?
I'm not interested in starting a worldwide liberation organization (Autosexuality by its very nature precludes the idea of "clubs"), but I do look forward to a day when I can walk down the street, holding my hand, carrying on a lively conversation with myself, and not have people stare at me or think that I'm "odd".
Of course many people go through Autosexual phases at some point in their lives and although they would never dare admit it to even their closest friends, I'll bet that a lot of them even enjoy their autosexual "encounters".
While I'm not a virgin, I realized very early on that even the best of sex with others somehow always left something to be desired.
Once I was seduced by a woman. I guess I had a little too much to drink and, well, it all happened so fast. It seemed nice enough at the time, but afterwards I became so angry and ashamed at this betrayal that I couldn't look myself in the eye or speak to myself for months! How could I live with myself after that? I felt like throwing myself right out of the apartment! (But then I quickly remembered that I lived on the 17th floor!)
Over time the pain and the regret subsided, and now all is forgiven. But I had to promise never to let anything like that ever happen again! "To thine own self be true".
Yes, once again I can look myself in the mirror and honestly say, "I'll never leave you for as long as I live. I won't ever lie to you again. After all, my love, where would I be without you?"
This might appear narcissistic or vain, but it's simply that I have a healthy respect for my own best interests, an intimate understanding of my inner feelings and I know instinctively how to best administer to my deepest emotional needs.
Having finally found the perfect person to spend my life with does not always mean that it's a bed of roses. In fact, sometimes I have arguments with myself that can reach quite embarrassing proportions in public! Well, we all have our little tiffs from time to time, don't we?
Imagination and the ability to enjoy oneself are the keys to any successful relationship, and mine is no exception. I must admit, I feel very good about myself! (Jacksonesque goolie squeeze) Mmmm, Oooh!
The above could imply to you that I'm a lonely person. This is just simply not true! I have a full and varied social life with many interesting friends.
From time to time close friends confide in me about their problems with spouses or lovers, and whenever I'm confronted by the details of their unhappy sex lives, I always offer them recourse to my path to fulfillment by frankly reciting the autosexuals' motto (otherwise known as "The Auto Motto"): "Go fuck yourself!".