Jeff Brent - Auntie: Ransom

Ransom

Dear Auntie,

If you ever want to see "7" again, everyone who reads this should send $5.00 (or more - lots more) via the following (secure) URL:

Click Here to Pay Ransom

Unless I receive ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS by December 31, 3005 you'll never see your beloved "7" again.

He's currently being held hostage in an abandoned warehouse somewhere near the waterfront and only allowed stale bread and stagnant water and being forced to listen to Barry Manilow 24/7.

Heh, heh, heh, heh, HEH (evil villain laugh)

Good people,

Please do what he says, the man's a maniac. No one knows what dastardly deeds he's capable of.

For the love of god DO NOT TURN your back on 7's pain and suffering!

Kisses,

Tiny Tim

PS: I love Barry Manilow.

Dear Auntie,

Maybe if "7" was world famous and worshipped by all (like me), somebody would care if he lived or died.

But I'm sure not going to spend a penny to save him. Especially not after all the nasty things he said about my mother.

Kenny G

PS: Tiny Tim I love you!
PPS: And I love Barry Manilow too.
PPSS: And I love my mother!

Dear Auntie,

I always wanted to learn how to play piano (or any instrument for that matter), which is why I've been lurking on this site for years.

I have always worshipped "7" and in my bedroom there is a little shrine in his honor.

Every night before I go to sleep, I light a candle and say a prayer:

"Please God, make '7' world famous, and while you're at it could you give me good singing voice? Amen."

As you know, neither one of these wishes have ever come true - but maybe, just maybe, one day they will.

So for those of you who worship "7" they way I do, keep him in your prayers and do not let the forces of evil triumph.

I am personally sending $5, because he's worth at least $4.98.

Barry Manilow

PS: Thank you Tiny Tim and Kenny G for the kind words. It's not often that I get compliments from dead people (or anybody for that matter).

Mr Manilow,

I'm NOT dead! What makes you think I'm dead?

Is it just because my playing is lifeless?

I try to give you a compliment and then you treat me like that! What gratitude!

I still love the way you play though, your sappy music with your pointless wimpy lyrics have always been my number one inspiration.

You'll always be my hero. You're right up there with all the great stars like the world famous Tiny Tim - my friend and mentor.

Respectfully yours,

Kenny G

Kenny,

I have always loved your mother, even before you were born. And I know that "7" has loved your mother, as have a multitude of others.

You need to see the light. Come in my bedroom, get down on your knees and and worship my 7" shrine (it looks kind of like a soprano saxophone, very tasteful, you're gonna love it).

Now pray with me: Please God, make "7" world famous, and while you're at it could you give Barry Manilow a good singing voice? Amen.

You will sense a release and a warm sensation will come over you. Your job here is done.

Now go forth and let the message ring from every mountain top and cell phone: "Blessed be '7' the great maestro". So that he may ever be exalted and loved by all as are you, me, Tiny Tim and your mother!

B.M.

Dearest Readers,

In order to help pay off the exorbitant ransom demands for "7", I’ve decided to auction off some memorabilia of his to raise funds for the cause. These very personal items cannot be found on the open market and would make fabulous souvenirs for any of 7’s loyal fans.

Over the years, I have had the honor of collecting many of his stool specimens. These are true collector’s items which will be worth a fortune twenty years after his death. The following is only a partial list of some of the prizes in my collection:

The Mahogany Stool
While this is the most common of all his stools, its stately dark brown hue and exquisite design will add an air of distinction to any room in the house.

The Golden Stool
This type of yellowish stool is always a perennial favorite amongst both connoisseurs and laymen alike. Upon encountering it, one is immediately struck with an overwhelming sense of extremely strong character exuding from its very essence.

The Guinness Stool
Named after the prestigious Irish stout, its rich ebony color absolutely reeks of elegance and refined good taste. A must-have addition for any true collector.

The Baby Stool
Yes! This is his very first stool! Its luscious deep-sea green with subtle brown marbling make it an objet d’art reminiscent of the Catalonian style of sculpture as epitomized by the great Gaudi. While it is much smaller than his later stools, its aura is truly breathtaking.

Each of these stools has a certificate of authenticity guaranteeing their origin. Think of the ecstasy and magic you will feel as you play your keyboard sitting on a world famous piano stool that has been christened by the master's own derriere! You will be swept away by the sensation that you are truly "dancing cheek-to-cheek" with "7" himself.

Please help to save "7" from a fate worse than death! Let the bidding begin!

Auntie

Click Here to Submit

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