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pianissimo
Dear Auntie, My accompanist Peter Paul is a really big name in the biz. He's my all man joy and I get mounds of pleasure when I duet with him. We've been playing with each other ever since our college days at Folk U. Recently a very famous pianist has been hanging out and nosing around our private parties. He likes to be referred to as Richard, but I call him "Little Dicky". Peter Paul has been on me to fit him in, he says he'd love to play with another member. A threesome might be nice, but I get the feeling that Dicky wants to come between us. Should we go ahead as a trio, or just duet? Mary
Dearest Mary, As a Virgo you have a certain innocence that prevents you from seeing the darker side of people. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Auntie has heard of this Richard Little and by all accounts he is "tutti frutti". I became so concerned with your welfare that I hired a private dick to tail them from behind. This candid photograph taken by my privates investigator shows what "Little Dicky" has been up to. Here you see him hard at work. He has obviously already entered into a standing engagement with Peter Paul and you have been left out of the picture completely. Auntie
This giant walks into a doctor's office with a midget sticking out of his butt and the MD says "Can I help you?" The midget replies "Yeah, doc. Get this ugly wart off my ass, will ya?"
A giant walks into a pub and all the customers' heads turn to see such a large man dressed so elegantly. He walks to the bar and orders a beer for himself and a double whiskey for his associate. When the drinks arrive, the giant begins quaffing his beer as a midget jumps out of his back pocket and downs the double whiskey. Suddenly the midget goes berserk! He starts breaking all the chairs, smashing the tables, destroying the décor, finally totally demolishing the entire establishment. Then without saying a word, he jumps back into the giant's pocket. The barman is horrified! He says to the giant "What the hell is going on here? Your 'associate' just ruined my whole business!" The giant says "Will $50,000 cover the damage?" The barman is crying "What are you talking about? I have spent my whole life building up this bar and now in just a matter of seconds it's all gone!" The giant asks "Will $100,000 be enough to compensate?" The barman wipes his eyes and says "That sounds about right." The giant counts out the money and hands it to the distraught man. As the barman is putting the money away he says to the giant "You are obviously a man of means and culture, but what is someone like you doing hanging around with a psycho dwarf asshole like that?" The giant replies "Actually until recently I was unemployed, homeless and an outcast everywhere I went. Then one day while rummaging through a dumpster I found a beautiful antique bottle. When I rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared and granted me three wishes. My first wish was to have all the money I could ever hope to spend. As I was mulling over my second wish, I thought about how badly people had always treated me throughout my life. I never get any respect. So I said to the genie 'I want everyone I meet to look up to me'. And lastly, I asked for a three foot prick."
(apologies AND thanks to Billy Connally and Rodney Dangerfield for this one) 7
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