Jeff Brent - Auntie: My Left Hand

My Left Hand

Dear Auntie,

My left hand seems like it has a mind of its own. When I want to sleep at night, it tries to strangle me. When I want to play stride, it plays boogy woogy. When I want to comp, it tries to pick my nose.

What can I do?

From Losing my Lefty*

Dearest From,

Organ players, they do come in handy. Besides singers, is there anybody who writes dumber letters?

But seriously From, if you are considering amputation, Auntie is telling you that it would only exacerbate the problem.

A murderous appendage on the loose among the general populace always causes panic in cheap horror movies.

AND you're still legally responsible for any damage "The Hand" might cause while on a killing spree.

But seriously From, the choking chicken incidents at bedtime are a common manifestation of a desperate need for affection.

You must understand that the left hand is tired of being the butt of all your derogatory jokes, aspersions of inferiority, and general disdain.

Righty is always getting all the glory. Righty always gets to do ALL the solos. Righty always gets all the praise and admiration. Righty this and Righty that. Nanner, nanner, nanner...

Well the left hand is sick of it! The left hand performs a very important function by putting the wind in the right hand's sails. No longer shall the left hand be treated as "little brother". It's time that the whole world knows that all hands were created equal!

The left will come into its right.

But seriously From, you must stand up for your left hand. Whenever you play with your organ, remember that you must love your left hand as you love yourself.

Auntie

*Text in italics is not authored by J.Brent

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