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Jazz Pill
Dear Auntie, Please could you tell me what notes are in the jazz scale as my improvisations don't sound like jazz. I have asked people who I consider to be good players what notes are in the jazz scale but they won't tell me. They pretend that there's no such thing and feed me some line about playing major scales and such like. Do you have to be in some kind of club before you can find out? Also, please could you tell me where I can buy the jazz pill which will make me able to play like Bud Powell. This is also something that players pretend doesn't exist and they tell me that it's just a matter of study, practice and hard work. Well if that were true anyone could learn couldn't they? On the subject of practice, my teacher says that I am not doing enough practice but I played the head from Autumn Leaves 15 times last week, what more does he want? Finally, can you tell me how to get round all this listening that everyone keeps harping on about as I don't really like jazz music but I thought I would learn it as it could be a good way of impressing girls........ Barry*
Dearest Barry, Your grammar and syntax are very good for someone with such humble beginnings and limited mental skills. Most here who are asking for advice have one or two pointed queries, whereas your letter has more question marks than carter has pills. Don't you know when to stop? Are you trying to give Auntie carpal tunnel from typing honest answers to your inane questions? To most people I give my counsel freely. But you have greatly inconvenienced Auntie with your overkill of enquiries. Therefore, in your case, Auntie has decided to charge you for her advice. Today Auntie will answer one question only. And if you want more advice Barry, donate a mere $50 to this site and I will answer one (1) more (Click in the "Click to Give" box, found at the bottom of this page). Your complimentary answer: You ask "Where I can buy the jazz pill which will make me able to play like Bud Powell?" Any friendly neighborhood voodoo witch doctor always has a supply on hand. It's a simple matter of selling your soul to the devil. The only catch is that once you've taken the pill, you'll only be able to play like Bud Powell. You won't be able to play like anyone else - not even yourself. I know what you're thinking "Then maybe I should go for the Keith Jarrett pill instead!" Duh. Everyone knows (for obvious reasons) that the Keith Jarrett voodoo pill won't exist until he passes away.
Even if you do have one, but it's certainly of such poor quality that it won't fetch much on the open market. A Barry Manilow pill tops. Do you have a loved one or relative who doesn't need a soul and is willing to part with it so that you can play like your piano idol? Then bring 'em along when you decide to make the deal! You can definitely get better quality merchandise with two souls. And better service, too.
Or both.
*Text in italics is not authored by J.Brent 7
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