Dumbo

Dear Auntie,

My brother says that only sissies play the piano, and that real men play the drums.

He also said that the reason pianos weigh so much is because they're made of elephants.

Is he telling me the truth?

Dumbo's Bro

Dearest Bro,

It's hard to decide who is the bigger idiot here - you or your dumbro. But I suppose that since intelligence is dictated by genetics, you're not really responsible for the fact that both of you are total morons.

There have been many sissies who have also been piano players (Liberace, Little Richard, Elton John, Barry Manilow - to name but a few), however the great number of big pianists that Auntie has had the pleasure to know intimately have all been virile and extremely sexy he-men.

Remember that the most macho man of all time Mohammed Ali "The Greatest" played piano. Try calling the all-time king of heavyweight boxing champions a sissy and see what happens.

Before the Ivory Ban in the 20th century, elephants were hunted almost to extinction due to world's great appetite for their tusks. Before that time, all of the best pianos had ivory keys. Since then they all have plastic.

You should know though that here are certain characteristics of ivory that plastic will never be able to reproduce. Ivory is a porous material and therefore feels warm and comfortable to the touch - plastic does not "breath" therefore it feels cold and lifeless.

Also on a piano with ivory keys that has been well played, the keys will wear in a scalloped manner similar to the concave indentations on a sax's pearls. This results in a very comfortable organic feel. Plastic simply does not wear in in the same way.

So when you play on a piano with real ivory keys do so with great respect - One of mother nature's most wonderful and intelligent animals gave his life for those keys and the soul of a pachyderm still resides inside.

Auntie