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12 Keys
Dear Auntie, I'm twelve and a half years old and I've been playing piano ever since I was young. Lately I've been listening to a lot of Jazz and I've become intrigued by its rhythms, the amazing virtuosity of the soloists, the interlocking aspects of the harmonic structure as well as the melodic avenues opened via the use of extensions. If I spend every bit of my 'spare time' to practicing, will I get rich and famous? Keys Jarret
You tink I got a crystal ball? Do you hear Auntie talking with a fake Jamaican accent like some late-nite infomercial scam? If Auntie could see into the future, she'd be winning the lottery every other day and have boats and planes and castles in Spain, my every whim catered to 24/7. Ain't that the truth! And if Auntie were rich she wouldn't be wasting her time talking to some snot-nosed pimple-face punk like you either. Did your mommy help you write that letter? If not, you're either an exceptionally bright young man or an incredibly stupid impostor. The latter is obvious. Auntie can tell by your style of writing that you are, in reality, a fat, balding middle age loser who has nothing better to do with his 'spare time' than to make up asinine letters to send to fictitious advice columnists.
Turn off the computer. Put on your shoes and comb your hair. Go immediately to the nearest jam session. You will find two things there: 1. other musicians to play with (lots better than playing with yourself) 2. a drunken slut dying for you to drag her home (still better than playing with yourself) In other words, GET A LIFE - CHUMP!
So you want to be famous, Mr Keys? Millions of people all over the planet read my column daily. So now, thanks to Auntie, you ARE famous. Congratulations! Oh, and you're welcome. Want to be rich too, eh? Who doesn't? You can already imagine what Auntie would be doing right about now if she had tons of dough. Odds are though that you will end up like the 95% of the world's population who spend the major part of their existence scratching and scraping just to survive. Get used to it. But Auntie WILL tell you this: "Rich" is more a state of mind than of accumulations. If you can live your life with love in your heart and compassion in your soul, you will be richer than the wealthiest man alive.
Auntie 7
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